Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Day 7 - 138 days to go and learning to live in the grey.

Ah.  Today I ran for thirty minutes.  Not far (only about 2.5 miles) and not super fast (about 4.6 mph) but it was enough to get my heart rate up, endorphins pumping and my mood better.  It was nice and cool in the dirty Jerz - perfect running weather.

I've been a little overwhelmed this week (new blogging gig - I go live next week + packing for move) and a little unmotivated to push myself to the extreme right now, so I'm dealing with looking for balance.  For being comfortable in the "grey" area.

I'm great at black and white.  All or nothing.  Good or bad.  In school I either got an A or an F - few times would I get anything in between and I must admit, I must fight the urge to do that now.

In the past I would either be 100% on a diet or off.  It was lettuce and carrots or bacon cheeseburgers and milkshakes.  Now I'm learning compromise.  Like a lean hamburger and a half a slice of low fat cheese with a little baked sweet potato fry can be figure friendly and doable.  It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I've been working at balancing my diet for a long time now, so I'm actually proud of my progress as far as not having that all or nothing mentality so much any more.

But I've found myself the last few days struggling with running.  Like feeling guilty if I'm not planning to run for 4 or 5 miles and almost deciding not to bother at all.  I have struggled to not beat myself up over my choice to do shorter runs.  I actually said out loud in this blog a week ago that I would take it easier for two weeks before kicking into training gear again.  I believe my body (that is still a little creaky) deserved a bit of a break.  It's still hard not to drive myself crazy.  I have that voice inside that says - "you're going to lose it all if you don't keep up a more aggressive training."  And then another insecure voice trying to tell me, "2.5 miles isn't even worth putting your shoes on.  The marathon was a nice little experiment but obviously you are through."   I think I might even be a little lost without a plan. Like when I was training, I knew what I needed to do on what days.  Now it's all willy nilly and up to me to decide what I do and when.  To keep going or let it be over.

But I don't want it to be over.  I am battling the black and white.  Running from the all or nothing mentality that always wants to plague me.   And dammit those smaller runs still mean something to me.  At one time, those smaller runs would've been a pretty huge run for me.  To run for thirty minutes straight is something I would've never dreamt I could do.

Today, I made the decision that a smaller run is better than no run.  I lived in the grey and it felt pretty good.

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