I'm getting fat

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I'm getting fat.

OK that's a little bit dramatic but that's how my brain works. And that statement keeps rolling around in my head like a bowling ball bouncing off bumpers... and with those words a slow panic keeps threatening to rise, and other even scarier thoughts of plus-sizes, pigging out, depression and being out of control start their way drifting in too.

Even though I'm getting better at silencing those thoughts and shutting up those voices. It's still hard.

I've been a bit in denial, but, it's true, I'm up in weight. Not terribly so, but still.

I could feel it in the waist of my pants.

See it on my hips and belly.

Felt it as I huffed and puffed a previous run (which felt like it should've been a 9'45 pace or so but was only a 10'20).

And finally had it confirmed on the scale.

I've been drifting upwards for the last 3 months. A pound here. A pound there. Now I'm just shy of being up five pounds.

I hear scoffing and eye rolling happening all over the place but before you give me the, "it's only five pounds" speech, let me tell you this -- as a former yo-yo dieter, all of my previous "regaining of the weight" (and when I talk about regaining weight I have regained 30, 40, 60+ pounds in my life) started with just five pounds.

I'm on right - at my heaviest... 

Ironically, I've never eaten more lean and clean in my life. I'm eating a mostly plant and grain based diet, I eat mostly organic and pretty healthily. I don't snack on junk anymore, however, I'm (apparently) eating too much. Easy to do. I can over-do an avocado, eat one too many handfuls of nuts, enjoy a mid-week glass of wine or just take in too many calories with the best of them.

But here is what is different this time. I am going to silence those voices of failure because now I know that I won't fail this time. And I don't hesitate for one hot second to say that.

I just have to go back to the tool box.

Yes. I have tools. Tools like exercising, this blog, fellow friends and fellow bloggers for support. I have Etools from Weight Watchers and I'm going to use that as well as my journal and the community at Spark People.  I might make time for a WW meeting again. I always loved the support I found there and relied heavily on them for most of my weight loss journey. I've only stopped going regularly because I started running with the Moms In Motion on Saturday mornings (during my meeting time) so maybe I just have to find another meeting.

I'm still within goal at Weight Watchers and that is good. My WW goal weight is 150. My personal goal is 144 and I'm now sitting at 148.6. Again, I know the number might not be that scary to you but it scares the shit out of me.

But this time I'm not going to let five pounds become more. I will keep my head out of the sand and my eyes on the prize.

Besides, I have to keep my weight down if I want to do a triathlon. Those wetsuits are pretty tight!

Does weight gain freak you out? What's the biggest tool you use to keep things in check?

XO
Jen

For better or worse - I am a runner

I feel 100% better than I did a few days ago and want to thank you guys for taking the time to help me get thru the rough patches.

I always question whether I should write about the crappy moments here because, so many people tell me they look to this blog for inspiration and who gets inspired by hearing someone moan about stuff?  

I ultimately decide to share it because I feel like it's an important part of the journey. 

It's the part of the journey that if I don't talk about, A) it could hold me back and I desperately need to release. B) you guys give excellent support/feedback and advice and C) talking about it could possibly make someone else not feel alone when things don't go perfect or when they feel like they are failing.

And thru reflecting on the rough patch and taking to heart what a lot of you guys said I've come up with a big epiphany. I have changed. Big time. In every way.

When I was training for the half, it was cute. "The big girl trudging along trying to prove the impossible. Good for her." But in that process, a different person emerged. One who has more confidence, who embraces fitness, good health, sets AND achieves big dreams.  Many people will like this new Jen, some won't and some will need some time to get used to her.

A year ago when I started, I was a plus size girl who (on paper) was a better time -I'd slug down the shot with you, split the pizza, give you my time. Now, the shots are fewer ("Sorry, long run day tomorrow!") "Pizza? Is it my birthday? How about a little whole wheat pasta?" and "my time? What time?" And while I don't think anyone would say, "please go back to a size 16" - I'm a different person to get used to. I remember when I quit smoking, I had the same feeling where my smoking buddies were "kinda" happy for me but could sense they missed their smoking buddy.

And here's the good news about change.  I used to quit. I used to believe that a bad day/ or a bad week of feeling like I was failing would mean I WAS a failure. I would throw in the towel, say things like, "you see? Why bother?" A bad day like the other day would have me tailspin out of control and reaching for a Chinese menu faster than you could say egg foo yung.  

Now, when those days/weeks happen - I write, I think, I whine but I don't give up.  Ultimately, I shake it off. I fall down and I get back up again, I have faith that the sun will come out tomorrow - and it does.  This is big stuff. I'm rolling with the punches, I'm learning to do the best I can (and on days where it allows, better than my best) and on days that are tough, even accepting less than my best.

I will have those days again and rest assured, I will share the good, the bad and the ugly - but isn't that what all journey's are about? 

If running & training for a marathon were easy - everyone would do it.  It's not supposed to be easy.  This is my dream and no one is allowed to take it from me. I will do my best to be a good wife/mom/employee/bizpartner/sister/friend/marathontrainer/blogger - this new person is just having some growing pains, figuring out how to let it all fall into place and how to put the new puzzle together.   It might take some time but I'll get there.

XO

Jen

PS: Oh yeah. I ran today - 6.2 miles in 1:06 and a 10:35 pace - the first few miles I ran easy but really kicked up the last 3 - running mostly sub 10! WOW a look back at the first time I ever ran five miles in my life can be found here -  it's really cool to see the progress. That was last March - not only am I way faster but 5 miles is an "easier" run for me now a days… I love running.

day 30 - 115 days to go - baby stepping and baby running

I went back to the gym today with the sole goal of doing the bike.  I even managed to get my own sneakers on today, though it felt pretty uncomfortable on the toe, I was happy to be in them.

I was on the bike and damn it, a good song came on.  I just had to try.

So I got on the treadmill and ran.  Oh it was not a pretty run - it was stiff and funky - I probably looked like a zombie from night of the living dead, kind of dragging my left foot.  And it wasn't fast (like 3.8) AND it certainly wasn't long - only five minutes, due to pain and the fact that I feared the zombie walk could lead to injuring my hip or knee, (such bad form) - BUT- none the less run I did.  Zombie foot drag and all, I enjoyed it and felt a renewed hope that I'll be on my way once again.  

After my five minutes of running, I went back to the bike, rode a couple of miles to burn a few calories and limped  back to my car feeling pretty victorious.  Tomorrow, maybe I'll run for six minutes... 

XO
Jen

Day 7 - 138 days to go and learning to live in the grey.

Ah.  Today I ran for thirty minutes.  Not far (only about 2.5 miles) and not super fast (about 4.6 mph) but it was enough to get my heart rate up, endorphins pumping and my mood better.  It was nice and cool in the dirty Jerz - perfect running weather.

I've been a little overwhelmed this week (new blogging gig - I go live next week + packing for move) and a little unmotivated to push myself to the extreme right now, so I'm dealing with looking for balance.  For being comfortable in the "grey" area.

I'm great at black and white.  All or nothing.  Good or bad.  In school I either got an A or an F - few times would I get anything in between and I must admit, I must fight the urge to do that now.

In the past I would either be 100% on a diet or off.  It was lettuce and carrots or bacon cheeseburgers and milkshakes.  Now I'm learning compromise.  Like a lean hamburger and a half a slice of low fat cheese with a little baked sweet potato fry can be figure friendly and doable.  It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I've been working at balancing my diet for a long time now, so I'm actually proud of my progress as far as not having that all or nothing mentality so much any more.

But I've found myself the last few days struggling with running.  Like feeling guilty if I'm not planning to run for 4 or 5 miles and almost deciding not to bother at all.  I have struggled to not beat myself up over my choice to do shorter runs.  I actually said out loud in this blog a week ago that I would take it easier for two weeks before kicking into training gear again.  I believe my body (that is still a little creaky) deserved a bit of a break.  It's still hard not to drive myself crazy.  I have that voice inside that says - "you're going to lose it all if you don't keep up a more aggressive training."  And then another insecure voice trying to tell me, "2.5 miles isn't even worth putting your shoes on.  The marathon was a nice little experiment but obviously you are through."   I think I might even be a little lost without a plan. Like when I was training, I knew what I needed to do on what days.  Now it's all willy nilly and up to me to decide what I do and when.  To keep going or let it be over.

But I don't want it to be over.  I am battling the black and white.  Running from the all or nothing mentality that always wants to plague me.   And dammit those smaller runs still mean something to me.  At one time, those smaller runs would've been a pretty huge run for me.  To run for thirty minutes straight is something I would've never dreamt I could do.

Today, I made the decision that a smaller run is better than no run.  I lived in the grey and it felt pretty good.

XO
Jen