I am so, very, very, very angry at you right now. I am so disappointed that words cannot even begin to express. You who worked so hard to take off all that weight. You who worked so hard to keep it off. You who spent hours in your running sneakers logging miles, eating clean and avoiding temptation. You who even started a blog and have somehow even managed to inspire people and you have proven yourself to be a BIG FAT FRAUD.
How many miles have you run this week? A few. How many laps did you swim? None. Times on the bike? Does 20 mins at the gym count?
And you have the audacity to sign up for four triathlons. Pitiful. How do you expect to finish those races? Luck? Divine intervention? Certainly not with your lack of training.
As you struggle to get into those size 10 pants and quickly nearing the next size up jump (when those 10s were once too big and 8s just right) I must ask, what the hell is your problem?
I know, I know. The excuses. There are many. But you've still blown plenty of chances to eat right and move your ever-growing ass. You are in this spot because of your choices. You suck.
I see you. Staring back at me in the mirror. Suck it up, stop eating, get to moving. Stop being a loser.
And this is the dialogue that's been rattling around my head for the last few weeks. Here's a better letter and one I'm going to try to read because the way I've been treating myself has been bad....
I love you. I know you are feeling down right now and I know you feel like you've made some crummy fitness choices lately but you've also made some good ones too. You're still exercising 3 or 4 times a week, even if it's not at 'full-training' mode, you haven't given up completely. And that's great because you are worth fighting for and not giving up on.
You also have made many, many good food choices - even if some of the crappier ones are the ones you remember.
Listen, yesterday might have not been great for you but you can't change it. You can do something different right now though. You can make tomorrow better. I can't say how those triathlons are going to work out - it's true, you're not trained but you have a few weeks to get as close as possible and then you are going to try your best. If you come in last so be it. If you get pulled that's fine too. Lesson learned that training is important. If for some reason you try and fail, it's hardly the end of the world.
I know you don't like excuses but you do have a few good reasons why things have snuck up on you. Being on the road, still struggling financially, battling a recent round of depression, the pressure of being on the road and away from your son who is autistic by the way, et cetera. Falling down does not make you a loser, it makes you human. Not that we are keeping weight-loss score but you've still managed to keep off a good chunk of your weight loss - that's a victory! You have friends who love you - that's a victory! You have good health and a working body - victory! You started a small production company 5 years ago and this week premiered a TV show - that's a huge accomplishment. It speaks to your level of commitment, dedication, fearlessness, willingness to work hard and dream big. You're a winner, life is good and you deserve to honor yourself, respect yourself, even love your body through good times and bad. This is just a bump in the road and you have the tools to get where you need to go.
Just please, please, please stop calling yourself names and feeling less than. It's so counterproductive and also not true. You aren't a loser, you don't suck, you're not a failure - you've proven this over and over again.
You are stronger than you think.