Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Day 17 - When life hands you lemons, throw them at people you hate


Today was one of those days.

I worked freelance and "assumed" it was a rest day - I get the training instructions in the morning - previously, if I ran 2 days I'd rest 1.  I ran the last 3 days... I was wrong about the rest day.

I was to run for the most I ever had drill wise (Run five minutes, walk 1 repeat 4 times. Plus warm up and cool down time.)

Fine.

My husband had plans in the evening, I was working until late but still, I figured it out.  I asked a very good friend to come babysit for an hour... so i could go run at 9 PM at night.  I was feeling pretty proud of myself - I faced down a problem, I said, "no excuses, get to the gym and train - no matter what!"  A new and exciting "take control of any situation," Jen on the case.

Then in the middle of the day I found out something that left me feeling a little more upset than I would care to admit.  It's a long personal story but basically someone that was in my life for a long time and I once was very close to - kind of really did a pretty f'ed up thing.  I know this person isn't the greatest when it comes to people, I'd seen this person hurt many along the way but still, I grapple with being a on the sensitive side so it still stung (grr.. dammit).  And more annoyingly it had me thinking about it all day and going between being hurt, angry, wanting to tell this person off and desperately wanting to not give one more ounce of attention to the issue or a person who probably didn't deserve my friendship and loyalty to begin with and who, quite frankly, I have come to care less about anyway.

Man, if there's anything I hate is how sensitive I am.

It's annoying to me how bad of a mood I was in over the situation.  More than I expected.  Yet I wasn't surprised or shocked by the situation.

Anyway.

I can't control how people feel about me.  I cannot control their thoughts and actions but I can try to control my own.  So...

The GREAT news is - I got home and the babysitter was here - Ben wouldn't go to sleep so I got him to bed and in spite of working all day, the crying baby, having to get up at 5:30AM tomorrow and the asshole who threw my day off -- I went to the gym and I did my drills.

It's pretty HUGE for me.  In the past, I definitely would've curled up in the fetal position, ordered some food and forgot all about the gym.  I would've let something like this spin me into depression, self doubt and insecurity.  NOT ANYMORE.  While I've got to work for it and my new attitude doesn't come easily, I am fighting for me - this person cannot rob me of my goals.  I will not become undone.

I got back on that treadmill I blasted my music and I let myself get a little stronger, become a little more empowered and took the power of someone else's words, thoughts and actions away.  What matters is me.  I AM BLESSED because I have friends and family who love and support me.  I have my health and I have feet that will carry me 13 miles across a finish line.

The universe did me a favor today.  It reaffirmed what I already knew and confirmed that I'm on and continue to be on the right path.

My apologies for an indulgent and lengthy blog.  If you read this whole thing, thank you for listening.

XO
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