Friday, August 31, 2012

I'm getting fat

I'm getting fat.

OK that's a little bit dramatic but that's how my brain works. And that statement keeps rolling around in my head like a bowling ball bouncing off bumpers... and with those words a slow panic keeps threatening to rise, and other even scarier thoughts of plus-sizes, pigging out, depression and being out of control start their way drifting in too.

Even though I'm getting better at silencing those thoughts and shutting up those voices. It's still hard.

I've been a bit in denial, but, it's true, I'm up in weight. Not terribly so, but still.

I could feel it in the waist of my pants.

See it on my hips and belly.

Felt it as I huffed and puffed a previous run (which felt like it should've been a 9'45 pace or so but was only a 10'20).

And finally had it confirmed on the scale.

I've been drifting upwards for the last 3 months. A pound here. A pound there. Now I'm just shy of being up five pounds.

I hear scoffing and eye rolling happening all over the place but before you give me the, "it's only five pounds" speech, let me tell you this -- as a former yo-yo dieter, all of my previous "regaining of the weight" (and when I talk about regaining weight I have regained 30, 40, 60+ pounds in my life) started with just five pounds.

I'm on right - at my heaviest... 
Ironically, I've never eaten more lean and clean in my life. I'm eating a mostly plant and grain based diet, I eat mostly organic and pretty healthily. I don't snack on junk anymore, however, I'm (apparently) eating too much. Easy to do. I can over-do an avocado, eat one too many handfuls of nuts, enjoy a mid-week glass of wine or just take in too many calories with the best of them.

But here is what is different this time. I am going to silence those voices of failure because now I know that I won't fail this time. And I don't hesitate for one hot second to say that.

I just have to go back to the tool box.

Yes. I have tools. Tools like exercising, this blog, fellow friends and fellow bloggers for support. I have Etools from Weight Watchers and I'm going to use that as well as my journal and the community at Spark People.  I might make time for a WW meeting again. I always loved the support I found there and relied heavily on them for most of my weight loss journey. I've only stopped going regularly because I started running with the Moms In Motion on Saturday mornings (during my meeting time) so maybe I just have to find another meeting.

I'm still within goal at Weight Watchers and that is good. My WW goal weight is 150. My personal goal is 144 and I'm now sitting at 148.6. Again, I know the number might not be that scary to you but it scares the shit out of me.

But this time I'm not going to let five pounds become more. I will keep my head out of the sand and my eyes on the prize.

Besides, I have to keep my weight down if I want to do a triathlon. Those wetsuits are pretty tight!

Does weight gain freak you out? What's the biggest tool you use to keep things in check?


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