Monday, December 13, 2010

OMFG What if?

OK, so I did that long run day last Friday and since then, I've been mentally struggling. It was cold that day and my thighs took a few days to thaw out. I was super proud of that run but it wasn't easy. Not mentally or physically.

Which made me go check out the upcoming weeks of training- this week I go from 4 training days to 5 and it looks like this:

6mi (done today), 3 mi, 6mi, rest, 2mi, 13mi...  The week after that (Christmas) I'm scheduled to run on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day... Later, I'm running 14 miles on New Years Day, etc...

All of the sudden, I got dizzy. All these miles, all these "what ifs" what if it's snowing, what if I can't find the time to run 14 miles, what if my husband gets ticked that I have to figure a way to long run on Christmas? What if I have to do a long run on a treadmill? What if, what if, what if.  Some of them are imagined and some are real. 14 miles? 18 miles? What if I can't do it?

The last few days I've begun to question this journey. "Why couldn't I have stuck to half marathons? Why do I have to be so public about everything - now there's no turning back. UGH. Why did I already pay the entry fee?" These are the voices I've been fighting in my head.

Today I ran six miles. I feel good that I did but you would've thought I was running 100 miles with how hard the motivation was for me to find today. I actually went to the gym because it's kind of crappy out. I ran for 3 miles on the treadmill and was losing steam - I literally jumped off at mile 3 and took it to the street for the last 3.  That was a good move and I didn't give up. I don't give up. Very proud of that last 3 miles because the old me would've quit and went home, the new me works thru these moments.

I guess the biggest what if for me is, "What if I fail?" The ugly voices nag, "What if you can't?" 

I'm sure there's a hundred psychological reasons why I'm going thru this and probably a few physical ones too. Fear, doubt, laziness, habit. Who knows?

But in reflecting on this lull in motivation I've come up with some things to grow on:

1. I will stop looking ahead to what's to come in training and like any good recovery/self help member - take things "one day at a time" and "one mile at a time."

2. I am an athlete. And as such, some days, I will find training the best thing on earth and somedays I'm going to have to get out there, suck it up and just do it.

3. I don't quit. And this is my journey - thru these tough times is where you learn what you're made of. It's easy to do things when everything is clicking - the sun is shining, it's a perfect 60 degrees, all of your power songs are charged and there's nothing else to do but run. But that's not always reality. Real winners persevere when the going gets tough - anyone can do anything when it's all sunshine and rainbows. Winners did deep and find the motivation to go no matter what obstacles come their way.

4. I've never regretted a day of running - not ever. I know that this is something I will do forever - I don't want to go back to a goal-less, unmotivated, overweight, unhappy, non-blogging person. I love this new life but like anything in life worth having, takes effort.

Jason wrote this great blog today (thank you - helped get me out there) and spoke about a cool book that I need to pick up. In this book, the author speaks about stotanism:
"The definition, according to Mr  Burfoot, is that stotanism is about toughness, though it doesn't imply an insensitive, superman approach.  The stotan must be willing to stand on his own, to resist pain, to stick to his ideals.  A stotan is quietly self-sufficient.  He accepts the challenges of training, injuries, races, and disappointments without complaining, because he understands that simply by keeping on, by sticking to the path he has chosen, he will get stronger and better."
Needless to say with all the whining, my blog is the anti-stotan today but this idea has stuck with me and I take away the part that says, "simply by keeping on, by sticking to the path he has chosen, he will get stronger and better."

So for now I'm aiming for half the definition. I have faith and belief in that I will get better and stronger by sticking to the path.

I mean, seriously, what if?  What if I succeed? What if I get through this whole winter of training - dreadmills, snow and all? What if I dare to be my best? What if I run 26.2 miles? Who knows... but I can only get "better and stronger" for the effort.



PS: Do you ever feel like this? How do you get your groove back?

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