Friday, January 28, 2011

For better or worse - I am a runner

I feel 100% better than I did a few days ago and want to thank you guys for taking the time to help me get thru the rough patches.

I always question whether I should write about the crappy moments here because, so many people tell me they look to this blog for inspiration and who gets inspired by hearing someone moan about stuff?  

I ultimately decide to share it because I feel like it's an important part of the journey. 

It's the part of the journey that if I don't talk about, A) it could hold me back and I desperately need to release. B) you guys give excellent support/feedback and advice and C) talking about it could possibly make someone else not feel alone when things don't go perfect or when they feel like they are failing.

And thru reflecting on the rough patch and taking to heart what a lot of you guys said I've come up with a big epiphany. I have changed. Big time. In every way.

When I was training for the half, it was cute. "The big girl trudging along trying to prove the impossible. Good for her." But in that process, a different person emerged. One who has more confidence, who embraces fitness, good health, sets AND achieves big dreams.  Many people will like this new Jen, some won't and some will need some time to get used to her.

A year ago when I started, I was a plus size girl who (on paper) was a better time -I'd slug down the shot with you, split the pizza, give you my time. Now, the shots are fewer ("Sorry, long run day tomorrow!") "Pizza? Is it my birthday? How about a little whole wheat pasta?" and "my time? What time?" And while I don't think anyone would say, "please go back to a size 16" - I'm a different person to get used to. I remember when I quit smoking, I had the same feeling where my smoking buddies were "kinda" happy for me but could sense they missed their smoking buddy.

And here's the good news about change.  I used to quit. I used to believe that a bad day/ or a bad week of feeling like I was failing would mean I WAS a failure. I would throw in the towel, say things like, "you see? Why bother?" A bad day like the other day would have me tailspin out of control and reaching for a Chinese menu faster than you could say egg foo yung.  

Now, when those days/weeks happen - I write, I think, I whine but I don't give up.  Ultimately, I shake it off. I fall down and I get back up again, I have faith that the sun will come out tomorrow - and it does.  This is big stuff. I'm rolling with the punches, I'm learning to do the best I can (and on days where it allows, better than my best) and on days that are tough, even accepting less than my best.

I will have those days again and rest assured, I will share the good, the bad and the ugly - but isn't that what all journey's are about? 

If running & training for a marathon were easy - everyone would do it.  It's not supposed to be easy.  This is my dream and no one is allowed to take it from me. I will do my best to be a good wife/mom/employee/bizpartner/sister/friend/marathontrainer/blogger - this new person is just having some growing pains, figuring out how to let it all fall into place and how to put the new puzzle together.   It might take some time but I'll get there.

XO

Jen

PS: Oh yeah. I ran today - 6.2 miles in 1:06 and a 10:35 pace - the first few miles I ran easy but really kicked up the last 3 - running mostly sub 10! WOW a look back at the first time I ever ran five miles in my life can be found here -  it's really cool to see the progress. That was last March - not only am I way faster but 5 miles is an "easier" run for me now a days… I love running.
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