Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Momma said there'd be days (weeks?) like this...

You should be warned. This isn't gonna be pretty. I'm in a seriously crappy mood.

Deep breath.

I am losing it. This winter is definitely kicking my ass.

I am having a very hard time getting my miles in for this marathon training. The snow, the icy roads, the short days, launching a business, being responsible for 8-10 blog a day/7 days a week for my little blogging job that pays the bills, being a mom to a special needs toddler and trying to be a decent wife is taking its toll.

I am starting to struggle.

I feel guilty that I'm not getting the miles in and I feel even guiltier when I do get the miles in. Here's a perfect example from this morning, I was going to run seven miles early to knock a few out (I'm still behind for the week as yesterday and Monday my son was home sick all day.) As I'm trying to get out, it starts snowing hard and my husband makes a snide comment about me, "being so busy, but having time to run… I guess you have your priorities…" UGH. I feel like I'm doing nothing right. I can't be mad at him because he does sacrifice for my running via not so clean of a house or backed-up laundry. Things do drop. Don't take his comment the wrong way, he's not alone, I get that vibe from most of my friends and family that my running (especially since it's so much for a marathon) is an unnecessary luxury that's just cutting out my time from doing "important things…" I can't even figure out how to make the argument that this is something that's important to me. No one really gets it, "can't you run a few miles here and there to stay in shape? Why do have to run for 2 or 3 hours?" And it's hard to have a good enough reason for non-runners who have expectations of you.  And what if they are right?

So now, I feel like I can't win. If I run, I'm a selfish jerk. If I don't run, I'm failing myself and something I really want to do. It's making me feel crappy all around.

For the record, I only got 3 miles in this morning because the snow was coming down fast and the roads were getting bad… My car is a crapmobile in these conditions and I didn't want to risk getting stuck and yes, the guilt of my full plate probably pushed me off the treadmill a little faster too.

I'm hoping that as the snow melts away and the days get longer, maybe things will even out. Maybe I'll be able to run at a time that doesn't interfere with anyone else. Right now, I can't get out before 7:30 because of my son.

If it counts for anything, I did manage a 12 mile long run this past Sunday… on the TREADMILL! I was hell bent to do it.  According to NIKE+ it was my fastest 10K time too. That was a nice little boost.

I have 14 this weekend to squeeze in - I'm hoping it's not slippery out so I can take it out to the streets… (12 on the tread did kind of suck). I'm also hoping that the selfish 3 hours I'll need to take won't piss anyone off too much.

San Diego Bling
By the way, here is a little motivation for me to hang on to the dream- a sneak peek at the San Diego RNR medal…

I'm sorry for the whine - there's not really many people I can "talk" to about this.

XO
Jen
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