Thursday, January 24, 2013

Overreacting vs under-reacting

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I'm sitting in the ER feeling pretty stupid.

Let me back up. 

I woke up Tuesday with a strange aching in my calf. Petty unusual feeling and not typical of what I've ever felt before. I dismissed it as maybe a weird thing I did during my first yoga class or maybe something happened during my Sunday long run. I don't know. 

First I fretted whether I could/should run, take a scheduled boot camp class or take my next scheduled yoga class. Don't want to risk "over-doing" it and hurting it further. The ache isn't unbearable just dull but steady. I could certainly work thru it and walking doesn't hurt much at all. Still. I have another half coming up a week from Sunday and the last thing I need is to further aggravate a sprain or strain if that's what it is.  Over-reacting not to run? Under-reacting to be tempted to go test the waters on a 3 mile run? Ask ten people and you'll get ten different answers. 

I haven't run since Sunday, opting instead to see if rest would help… and now I suffer the dark, sad and slightly depressed mood to prove it. I'm getting really sick of all this leg pain and issues. I just want to f'ing run already and without worry! (Sorry. The crabby, haven't run in a few days, girl rears her head)

Anyhow, while frittering away on FB and to make my already-hypochondriac ass even more confused, I come across this article:   Runner's and Blood Clots - what you need to know and why  athletes may be at greater risk… and now I'm bugging the hell out. 

Just traveled? Check
Dehydrated? Check
Muscles fatigued? Sore? Check, check
Plus check, check, check to being over 40, on bc pills and imbibing in alcohol. 

The freakin Internet and all of its information is ruining my life. My medical degree from Google now has me believing I could have a blood clot in my leg.  I called my doc and told her the situation. She said to go to ER. So here I sit. Waiting for an ultrasound that I'm sure is going to confirm I am crazy and have nothing. Our shitty insurance will leave us paying for this crap forever. 

The problem is, I'm always so fearful to over or under- react. It also comes down to a little bit of that old question of "being worth it". I'm sitting here feeling guilty and beating myself up over incurring this medical expense. Why aren't I feeling good enough to validate if I've got a clot or not? It's sick and scary that I'm almost hoping to have a clot to prove to myself that I'm not crazy or overreacting. To say, "see! Good thing I went!" Which is awful to say. I apologize to my friend Sara who did suffer a very serious clot and it severely set my friend back she's been dealing with it for nearly a year now and spent time in the hospital. It can be very, very serious.   That's why I didn't want to take chances. That's why I'm here.

Getting wheeled in now...

Good  news. No clot. Just another medical case of over-reacting and reading too much web-md.

And instead of relief the voices scream, "See. you are crazy. See you just wasted a shit-load of money and time." (Must get those mean thoughts out of head).   Funny how I would never berate a friend for being safe and not sorry. 

Now the only question left is can I run or will I aggravate a strain?

F it I am rolling the dice and running. before I lose my mind or misdiagnose myself with something else.

XO
Jen

PS: Despite the fact that I'm in a crappy mental place - please don't ever f*ck around with your health - when in doubt, check it out. I still rather feel stupid than dead. IMHO
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