Saturday, May 25, 2013

Getting it together

On the right - highest weight. Please Lord - never again

It just never gets easier.

When you have the audacity to start a blog and share your weight-loss journey with the world (or in my case, about 361 on/off followers) people look to you for advice, inspiration - the 'secrets' to success.

Well shit. The truth is, some days I just feel like a big-fat fraud. And fat being purposely used in this case.

My weight is up and has been up for months. Not obscenely so. My happy, "I want to be this weight forever weight" is right about 144/145 pounds but I've been stuck around 150 for months. And this month I have been flirting right around 151/152.  

at approx. my happy weight

I tell myself, 150 is not horrible. It's my 'official' Weight Watcher goal and technically I'm still a free 'lifetime' member since I've managed to continue to be within 2 pounds of goal. 

I tell myself - even though some of my clothing feels snug. They still fit.

I tell myself that "you know what to do."  And like a drug addict or alcoholic, "I can stop at any time right now I'm just a little extra hungry."  

But deep down I'm panicking. If I could let these 5/6 pounds come back and let them hang out for months - what about the next 2 or 3 pounds. And then the next 5/6 pounds. 

The alarmist in me praying that I don't suddenly wake up with 20 pounds to lose.

Not to mention that my running has been woeful lately too. Sure I've been traveling 2 weeks out of every month for business and when I'm not traveling I'm juggling work and family but deep down I know I can be better. I feel like the crappiest weight loss/running blogger in the world… (or at least on Blogger.) 

Why can't I get this together?

Well. I can get it together. I know I can. Years of counting calories/points and worrying about portion sizes made me weary of it all so I've been lax about it. Which I got away with when I was running 20- 30+ miles a week but now that my schedule has me running maybe 10 -15 miles a week (and lately, that would be a good week) I have to cut the crap.

I know where I can improve. I just have to do it.  

In my fraudulent state I got word yesterday that I made the 100 most influential weight loss bloggers of 2013.  I'm number 64. At first I felt a little uncomfortable. Like, "I don't deserve this. I'm struggling right now." 

But after thinking about it - I guess it's a nice thing. Some of the things in my blog (I think) has at least entertained people. And it's a personal challenge to live up to my 64th spot on the list! 

I guess it's never going to be easy. Some races are a struggle and some are smooth sailing. This is part of life. I have to just get back up and keeping moving forward. 

And my 4 point bowl of oatmeal was tasty.

How do you get back on track? 


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