I Am Not Freaking Out about The Freakin' Scale

The freakin' scale totally plays with my mind. I know it shouldn't but it just does.

Last week I didn't get to go to my normal Sunday morning weigh-in / meeting which I was totally bummed about - I had remained true to program and know I would've had a good weigh-in. In fact, all week I was trying to find time to go to a meeting just to weigh in. Finally, this past Friday I got to a meeting and had lost 1.7 pounds. Not too shabby! That brought my weight loss, since recommitting, to nine glorious pounds! Yay for me!

The lady who had weighed me in said, "You're doing a beautiful job. Keep it up."

I strutted out of that meeting with my head held high. Proud of my work. Nine pounds! Almost ten pounds in one month! Woo hoo!!

But not so fast.

I returned to my normally scheduled meeting this morning (just two days after the Friday weigh in). I had two more pretty solid days of tracking my points and keeping it together. I even had a return to running yesterday and knocked off 2 miles at a good pace considering it's been two months since I've really run. Now I wasn't really expecting much of a loss in two days. Maybe a quarter to a half a pound... Maybe I would stay the same. Maybe I would even hit the ten pounds lost milestone... Wouldn't that be something!? But what I didn't expect was a gain - and a big one at that. Somehow the scale informed me that I was up 2.2 pounds... since Friday! Sucked the wind right out of my sails.

UGH

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!????

My Weight Watcher leader thinks it could've been my return to running. My muscles retaining some water. Who knows. Instead of being down 9 pounds and close to 10 - it's now 6.8 lost. And I now have that feeling of going backward.

I know in my heart of hearts that there is no way I gained a real 2.2 pounds but then why do I still feel scale shame? Why do I still feel that sense of failure?

I mean I didn't fail this week! I worked my ass off. I skipped into that meeting room feeling good about all the good things I did last week. But that freakin' scale.

I said no to so many tempting foods and situations last week.

I killed my fitness goal of earning 72 fit points (and earned 85!). I started running again. I made homemade foods. I made many good choices when eating out and tracked every bite. I'm 100% more mindful of my decisions.

Nope - I'm not perfect. I could drink more water and less wine.

I still want to add some strength training.

But overall I was on plan and did well. I did not deserve a 2.2 pound gain.

How come the scale can just knock all of those good feelings of doing well right from your hands?

The scale is a funny thing. I mean I know on an intellectual level that it's no true testament to all the good things I'm doing for my body, my health and my well-being. I know intellectually that anything from extra sodium, to exercise to "that time of the month" can affect the scale. Yet, emotionally, it's hard to not let it be the dictator of everything. It plays with your mind and the negative thoughts can come flooding back, just like that. "Can I really do this?" "If I can't lose weight when I'm really trying, forget it. Why bother?"

I'm replacing real noodles with zucchini "zoodles"
for the love of God!

So now what? I mean all I can do is dust myself off and stay the course. All I can do is try to not freak out about the freakin' scale. All I can do is list all of my "whys" in doing this and hold onto them with both hands.

All I can do is remind myself that the scale is not a judge and jury. The number on the scale doesn't define if I'm a good or bad person and it doesn't take away all the right things I'm doing.

I am more than the number on the scale. My pants are fitting better and I'm feeling better. That counts!

What do you do when you're faced with a disappointing weigh in?

XO
Jen

Dealing with Scale Fail

I know I haven't been the best blogger ever lately and I'm sorry about that. I've been struggling with a few things and just haven't known where to start.

Coming off the very exciting Runner's World thing I am feeling a little conflicted.  I am proud of the accomplishments that I have had and the magazine experience was awesome. It was so cool to see my picture and story in my favorite magazine.  I am proud that I've mostly kept the weight off since 2010 and I'm proud of my journey - but what's making me feel so conflicted is some weight gain. It's been happening it's kind of panicking me.

I am 15 pounds higher than my lowest weight, 10 pounds over my Weight Watcher goal weight and 6 pounds over the weight that I was in the RW article and it really is scaring the crap out of me. Up until a few months ago I had been able to "hold between 147 - 151" and I was OK with that but now I find myself flirting with 160 and it's freaking me out.  Over the last few months I can't seem to hold steady and the scale continues to creep up. I'll have a week where I will "buckle down" and shed a pound or two, only to be away from home on business again or thrown off track the next week and back up again. I know I'm eating a little more, having another drink here and there and not maybe running quite as much as I had been in years past. (A tough winter and being on the road to film the show has definitely made things more challenging. And perhaps being closer to 42 years old rather than 38 or 39 when my weight loss was happening isn't helping either?) 

And I'm not freaking out because of the 160 number per se. I don't mean to insinuate that number means someone is fat or not. When I was 255 I enthusiastically rooted for the day that I'd be 180. Yes, clothing feels tight and I'd rather be 150 but I'm not completely miserable at 160. My fear is that the upward spiral will continue, that this is a runaway train headed back to a place I don't want to visit. 

trying to keep this in mind on days where I'm beating myself up

It is annoying. I thought I had this shit conquered. I vowed not to be a "gain back the weight" statistic. And while it's not 100 pounds back, and it's not too much percentage wise, it's really enough to get me feeling yucky about it. It's a daily, constant unease that I can't shake. 

On top of it because of the magazine, I'm getting emails from people looking for inspiration and I feel completely like a fraud. How can I espouse advice when my running pants waist band digs into my belly and with every pound gained my running pace gets slower? 

Interestingly right after the magazine article came out I went on Twitter and discovered that I had THREE twitter impostors!! Three strangers out there created profiles, using my name, my picture and even my "twitter bio description"! It was weird because I don't have the hugest blog following (though the quality of those of you who do follow is stellar ;) ) and I couldn't understand why I would have people posing accounts as me. 

one of the fake twitter people (even stole my wall paper)
My actual twitter account is: https://twitter.com/FatToFinishLine

For a brief moment it struck me ironic because while these people were trying to pose as me, some weight loss success story, I was struggling with feeling like an impostor myself. 

But I don't want to feel like that anymore and I need to stop the weight gain train so I have to figure it out and get it together. 

I do have some ideas for getting back on track and I'll be employing them - nothing fancy - eating cleaner, drinking less alcohol, exercising more, the usual. I will not give-up without a fight. I guess my bigger issue to tackle (even bigger than the weight) is how horribly I'm letting it mess with my head. I have to admit I'm more worried and preoccupied with it than I should be. I definitely am falling into the trap of letting it get under my skin and that's not good. This is contrary to the advice I would give someone else. 

So here's the advice I would give to someone in my shoes:

1. Leave no mile behind. Whether it's an hour or ten minutes get some kind of daily activity in.

2. Eat as clean and lean as possible and eat smartly so you never get to the point of 'starving.'

3. Drink lots of water. 

4. Add strength training.

5. "Track points" or count calories - not to be obsessive but to have an idea of how much you are eating and where your calories come from and if there's someplace you can cut unnecessary calories.

6. Surround yourself with 'birds of a feather' to keep motivation up and for reliable support when you need it.

7. Set goals that force you to move forward and challenge you.

8. Strive for good health always - nourish your body.

9. Cook it at home! Don't order out or eat out more than once or twice a week. (If possible.) 

10. Limit alcohol and empty snacks. Make your snacks meaningful - fruits, veggies, nuts, foods that nourish.

Yep. I'm not reinventing the wheel here people - mostly simple advice that's not so simple to always follow but I'm going to try! 

By the way, even in the face of the annoying gain I've got things to celebrate - I've signed up for a few Triathlons, joined a tri-club, I'm getting ready for another half marathon in a few weeks (did 8 miles today!) And while I may be a little slower I'm still a runner no matter what size pants I'm in. 

How are you doing? What advice would you give someone in my shoes? 

XO

Jen 

I'm getting fat

credit

I'm getting fat.

OK that's a little bit dramatic but that's how my brain works. And that statement keeps rolling around in my head like a bowling ball bouncing off bumpers... and with those words a slow panic keeps threatening to rise, and other even scarier thoughts of plus-sizes, pigging out, depression and being out of control start their way drifting in too.

Even though I'm getting better at silencing those thoughts and shutting up those voices. It's still hard.

I've been a bit in denial, but, it's true, I'm up in weight. Not terribly so, but still.

I could feel it in the waist of my pants.

See it on my hips and belly.

Felt it as I huffed and puffed a previous run (which felt like it should've been a 9'45 pace or so but was only a 10'20).

And finally had it confirmed on the scale.

I've been drifting upwards for the last 3 months. A pound here. A pound there. Now I'm just shy of being up five pounds.

I hear scoffing and eye rolling happening all over the place but before you give me the, "it's only five pounds" speech, let me tell you this -- as a former yo-yo dieter, all of my previous "regaining of the weight" (and when I talk about regaining weight I have regained 30, 40, 60+ pounds in my life) started with just five pounds.

I'm on right - at my heaviest... 

Ironically, I've never eaten more lean and clean in my life. I'm eating a mostly plant and grain based diet, I eat mostly organic and pretty healthily. I don't snack on junk anymore, however, I'm (apparently) eating too much. Easy to do. I can over-do an avocado, eat one too many handfuls of nuts, enjoy a mid-week glass of wine or just take in too many calories with the best of them.

But here is what is different this time. I am going to silence those voices of failure because now I know that I won't fail this time. And I don't hesitate for one hot second to say that.

I just have to go back to the tool box.

Yes. I have tools. Tools like exercising, this blog, fellow friends and fellow bloggers for support. I have Etools from Weight Watchers and I'm going to use that as well as my journal and the community at Spark People.  I might make time for a WW meeting again. I always loved the support I found there and relied heavily on them for most of my weight loss journey. I've only stopped going regularly because I started running with the Moms In Motion on Saturday mornings (during my meeting time) so maybe I just have to find another meeting.

I'm still within goal at Weight Watchers and that is good. My WW goal weight is 150. My personal goal is 144 and I'm now sitting at 148.6. Again, I know the number might not be that scary to you but it scares the shit out of me.

But this time I'm not going to let five pounds become more. I will keep my head out of the sand and my eyes on the prize.

Besides, I have to keep my weight down if I want to do a triathlon. Those wetsuits are pretty tight!

Does weight gain freak you out? What's the biggest tool you use to keep things in check?

XO
Jen

The dog ate my food tracker and weighing in

Oh yeah. Wine is not a fruit… 

As a lifetime Weight Watcher member I find it very important to go to my meeting whenever I can. Sure, every once in a while there's a race or commitment that might cancel out my standard Saturday morning appointment, however, I make it my business to go as often as I can.

I believe in facing the scale no matter what happened that week. Even when I know I'm not gonna like what it has to say.

Today, I assumed I'd be holding steady at about my average of 144/145. My WW goal was 150 and I usually try to bounce between 143 - 146 or so. I like a little wiggle room. 

Going below that weight is very difficult for me to maintain and I find this to be a weight that I'm pretty healthy and happy at.

Uh. So I was shocked when I got on the scale and the number was 148.somethingIdon'tremember. Boo. I was up 3.8 pounds from my last weigh-in! 

So my immediate gut reaction was an excuse of-course. I thought to myself, "Well, I flew home last night so that must be it!"

While it's true that I ate pretty well while I was away - lots of healthy, organic meals. Lots of vegetables and low-fat protein and stuff... And while it's true that I also ran 13.1 and did one hard-core workout, it's also true that there were many, many things (besides the flight home) that probably affected the scale.

Uh. Like the fact that besides some walking, I didn't do much more activity. (I don't feel too badly about that. My body felt sore up until Thursday and I think I did need the rest.) Still, I wasn't burning calories thru exercise.

Ummmm… and how about the night we celebrated with martini's, cheese and a half of bottle of wine? Or the other night when we "celebrated" with top-shelf margarita's and then got so buzzed that we ate nearly the entire basket of tortilla chips and salsa? (Worth every calorie I might add…) Oh Yeaaaaah… And let's not forget last night, when I landed and didn't feel like going grocery shopping at 8PM at night so we ordered (GASP) chinese food and followed that up promptly with bed time…

Hmmm. Yeah. Could've been that. Oh and there wasn't a chia seed in sight. Sigh.

better to have a gorilla on your head
than a monkey on your back

It's fine. In hind-sight, I treated myself a little more than usual. And I'm OK with that. The cheese came right from the farm, the margaritas and chips were from the best mexican place in town and the wine was my favorite pricey bottle - It was a little indulgent now that I think about it but it was worth it, it was all delicious and shared with some of my favorite people.

All of these foods and cocktails I used to eat with reckless abandon and without a second thought. 

I'll carefully track my organic, whole foods, points this week, return to my running routine and get back in the saddle.

The bad news? My first reaction was to bury my head in the sand about the whole thing.  The good news? I'm able to recognize the issue, take responsibility and take the necessary steps to readjust. I also know that I can bounce right back. A few chia seeds, a little juicing and a lot of running will fix me right up.

Life will never be perfect. My food will never be 100% perfect and this won't be the last 3.8 pound gain I ever have. I enjoyed this week even if the scale wasn't as friendly as I wanted it to be.

XO

Jen

Image: John Kasawa / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

From Finish Line to Fat?

Proud of this girl for having the courage to start but never going back

I'm never going back to fat, let's just get that straight right here and now.

I've learned too much, come too far and have the tools to battle forward.

I've maintained a 90+ weight loss (that took me over 3 years to attain) for 7 months now.

However -

I know that it'll always be something I need to work on.  I had a weekend of food festivities that was downright ridiculous - I've been slipping into old sloppy eating habits over the last few weeks and while I still look the same to my friends I will say I'm up a couple of pounds and that combined with not training for a full marathon and the sloppy eating, I'm flirting with a slippery slope.

I can blame a ton of things - summer, 4th of July, stress, blah, blah, blah… But the "whys" aren't all that important.

The bad news is I'm up a few pounds.

The good news is that I'm OK with it - I'm even OK with the crappy behaviors and choices of late.

Why?

Because I think I've finally figured out that the good, the bad, the ugly is all a part of the journey. I've finally figured out that whether (for me) I'm striving to train for a marathon or make good food choices that sometimes I'm gonna hit bumps, make a wrong turn or fall down.

I think it's important to know that it's OK to fall down as long as you get back up again. Falling is not failing. Giving up is failing.

Running has taught me this.

You might have a bad run but it doesn't mean you never run again. No, you go home, reassess and get back out on the road.

Sometimes you're running in rain, uphill, slightly injured, sick, or with a serious case of the blahs.  

Sometimes our training gets foiled, your run cut short instead of 6 miles it's four or two. But you keep plugging.

For me, I'm going to have times where I eat too much and maybe make choices I regret in the morning - it doesn't mean I give up though. No, I lace up my sneakers and get back on track. 

I mean if you find yourself having run a half mile in the wrong direction what do you do? Lay down and die? Run even further in the wrong direction? Hell no, you U-Turn it curse a bit over the "annoying" blip and move on… soon you're so back on track that you even forgot the slight hiccup to begin with.

So I'm making a U-turn before the half mile becomes more - I know I just have to keep running and eventually I'll get to the finish line.

xo

Jen

I gained 3.4 pounds and it's all good

So, as predicted, my weight watcher weigh-in was a slight horror.  Up 3.4 pounds since my last visit.

But I'm OK with it.  Besides my Latino food festivities of yesterday, what else could I expect?  In the last 3 weeks, I've:

started a new writing job

moved to a new home and town

traveled to Los Angeles

lost a freakin' toe nail

lost time training thanks to said toe nail

continued to work full time at launching a media business

worked all last weekend at a freelance job 

continued to deal with a deadline over my head for an important writing project

and (deep breath)

not to mention the day to day of raising a toddler, taking care of my home, etc...

I have to tell you, I'm cutting myself a fricken break.  Why would I beat myself up and not celebrate that I've ONLY gained 3.4 pounds!  If I was chatting with a friend (instead of myself)  I would tell her, she was doing well.  So, I'm celebrating that, I've fallen but I am getting back up again.  I'm celebrating that if I've learned anything over these last 3 years of Weight Watchin' that some weeks there'll be good weigh ins and some weeks there'll be bad ones, because that's life.  I am reminding myself that once in a while we'll fall but it's not the end of the journey.  In fact it's a big part of it.

It's in our greatest "mistakes" we learn the most about ourselves.  About perseverance, about what we are made of.  This is where we grow... (even though I wish I wasn't growing so literally!) 

I sometimes think we get it wrong in the WW meetings.  They give stars and applause to the people who've lost weight, who's in the throes of smooth sailing.  That's all find and good.  It is well deserved.  But I think we should celebrate the times that we aren't sailing so smoothly.  We're down a first mate, the waters are rough, we're being battered and bruised, yet -- still make it through?  

I've decided to wear my 3.4 gain like a badge of honor - just until I can take those pounds off and get my next shiny star.

  

XO

Jen

PS:  I'm giving up the countdown in the entry title- it's too annoying and it's too far away to be interesting, I think.