Saturday, June 7, 2014

Coming Back and Looking Forward

I didn't fall off the face of the planet... though lately I've been feeling like I've fallen off the wagon.

Funny thing about this journey of getting to finish lines is there never really is an end, just another challenge and another finish line.

I will cut right to the chase. I've been gaining weight and struggling to keep it together.  I'm probably a good 15 pounds north of where I like to be. (More like 20 if I'm being really honest). 

Oh I have excuses. Plenty of them. Some are even valid - traveling 3 weeks of the month for the last few months for work, being away from my family, out of a routine, working around the clock... and those excuses fly a little but I can't hide from the fact that I've let bad habits creep back in (like stress eating and eating junky foods on the go) and have passed up opportunities to train when I could. So there you have it.

And because I know it's mostly my fault that I'm hating the number on the scale and hating the bigger sized jeans and hating the slower run times (when I get them in) I've come to realize I've been really hating myself. 

But beating myself up is doing me no good. Feeling fat and miserable is doing me no good. Hating myself is destructive and pushing me down the wrong path. If a friend was going through what I was going through I would beg them to see all the good. I would feel sorry that they were so hard on themselves, I would lift them up. So today I decided to do something I haven't in a while and LOVE myself. I am a good person, I've still managed to keep off 80% of my weight, I work hard, I am a good friend and I deserve better. 

Today I take back control.

Today I tell myself I'm strong, I have the tools to succeed and I can do it. I can pick myself up, dust myself off and get back on the track. There are still plenty of finish lines in my future. 

This morning I ran 3 miles with my new running group, "Jersey Women Strong" and pushed to run those miles faster than my current average. I'm still so much further along than I was when I started running a few years ago and if I'm looking back I must take pride in the progress and how far I've come instead of the setbacks. Wherever I am right now is good enough. 

3 miles in the right direction! 

I've learned that looking back can be a blessing and a curse. You have to work at looking back for lessons but not for finding reasons to shame yourself. I am learning to play the "lessons learned game" instead of "why can't I be where I was a year or two ago" game. Yesterday is gone. I've got right now and God willing, I will have tomorrow. ;)

In any case, and for better or worse I have a BUNCH of finish lines coming up. I am signed up for the Jersey Girl Sprint Tri in early August, the Maine REV3 OLY in late August, The Iron Girl Sprint Tri in early Sept. And the Poconos REV3 OLY in mid Sept. 

I don't know what I was thinking when I signed up for all of that but I better get training. I am yet to really get on my bike or in the water. I'm going to do a run / ride tomorrow. 

Finish lines await! Onward and upward!!