Sunday, February 11, 2018

You're Fat, It's Hopeless and Other Mean Things I've Told Myself

I know it's been a while since I've posted. 

It's not that I haven't wanted to update you but I've been feeling a little (OK a LOT) discouraged. I haven't had any good news. I've been struggling to lose and felt embarrassed. What could I say to you when the scale is going the wrong way? 

What could I say when all I have going through my mind is "Here we go again. You can't do this. You see. You're a fraud and failing."

So here's a little recap of how things have gone so far. BTW (this is a pretty typical pattern).

WEEK ONE: Great! Yay! I lost weight. I love this program! I rock. I'm in control. This time it's different. This time I'm going to do it. I will be at goal in no time. (Cue song: "This Girl is On Fire")

WEEK TWO: WOO HOO! I lost again. See. I am unstoppable. I got this. High fives for everyone. This is so easy! (Cue song: "All I do is Win").

WEEK THREE: What? What do you mean I gained weight? But I did everything right! I'm counting all my points and even started working out again. Oh. Yeah. Maybe I need to drink more water? Sure. Maybe my soup was too salty yesterday or the exercise did something to my muscles... retaining water. Yea. Yea.  It's gonna go back down next week. I'm annoyed but not worried. I got this. (Cue Song: "I Get Knocked Down...")

WEEK FOUR: What! How the hell... I gained again? I don't know what went wrong but apparently I suck. I mean what the F*@@? I ran five times this week, said no to pizza, chose steamed green beans instead of the loaded potato and this is how the scale repays me? F*@@ it. Why am I bothering? UGH.  OK - look, get it together... just get back on track. (Cue song: "Shake it Off")

Between week three and four I had gained close to four pounds back. I mean. Seriously. What is that?

mmmmm. burritos.
Last week I went into week five... but somehow I don't really shake it off. I wanted to but then the negative voices returned. Every healthy choice I think "Why am I bothering?" Every not so healthy choice I think, "You see. This is why you're failing." Then starts the back slide... I start to not track as much. I begin to let some unhealthy choices creep in - all the while feeling defeated. I get angry and frustrated. I know that this is super undermining. I know that this is a really dumb thing to do. I know this but yet it happens to me and I have to break this cycle.

So week five. I still (half-assed) tried but also made some not-so-good choices. I almost didn't want to weigh-in. I didn't want to see week three of a gain. But I decided to go to my weigh-in. I decided to just wipe the slate clean and get back on track because what's the alternative? And this is how that went:

WEEK FIVE: I did? How's that possible? I lost a pound? But I wasn't that great this week. I ate my emotions twice. I didn't measure out or track my martini. Maybe the previous weeks of hard work caught up? Huh. Yeah, and I guess that the 75% of the time of still trying to eat right last week didn't hurt either. Um. Ok. Sure. (Cue song: "Make Me Lose My Mind")...

The unexpected pound lost this week was good'ish - I mean I fully expected to have gained at least a pound and a half back. This weight loss and the scale truly has no rhyme or reason. I guess my big lesson to learn and my greatest challenge is really getting over the scale. My husband said this morning, "Just do what you're doing. You're eating super healthy and exercising. Stay the course and throw out the scale." Maybe he's right. I don't know that I'm strong enough to throw out the scale but, no matter what, I know I have to just stay the course. 

The good news is I'm still down 6.2 pounds since recommitting.

The journey to the finish line is never a straight path. 


How are things with you?