You're Fat, It's Hopeless and Other Mean Things I've Told Myself

I know it's been a while since I've posted. 

It's not that I haven't wanted to update you but I've been feeling a little (OK a LOT) discouraged. I haven't had any good news. I've been struggling to lose and felt embarrassed. What could I say to you when the scale is going the wrong way? 

What could I say when all I have going through my mind is "Here we go again. You can't do this. You see. You're a fraud and failing."

So here's a little recap of how things have gone so far. BTW (this is a pretty typical pattern).

WEEK ONE: Great! Yay! I lost weight. I love this program! I rock. I'm in control. This time it's different. This time I'm going to do it. I will be at goal in no time. (Cue song: "This Girl is On Fire")

WEEK TWO: WOO HOO! I lost again. See. I am unstoppable. I got this. High fives for everyone. This is so easy! (Cue song: "All I do is Win").

WEEK THREE: What? What do you mean I gained weight? But I did everything right! I'm counting all my points and even started working out again. Oh. Yeah. Maybe I need to drink more water? Sure. Maybe my soup was too salty yesterday or the exercise did something to my muscles... retaining water. Yea. Yea.  It's gonna go back down next week. I'm annoyed but not worried. I got this. (Cue Song: "I Get Knocked Down...")

WEEK FOUR: What! How the hell... I gained again? I don't know what went wrong but apparently I suck. I mean what the F*@@? I ran five times this week, said no to pizza, chose steamed green beans instead of the loaded potato and this is how the scale repays me? F*@@ it. Why am I bothering? UGH.  OK - look, get it together... just get back on track. (Cue song: "Shake it Off")

Between week three and four I had gained close to four pounds back. I mean. Seriously. What is that?

mmmmm. burritos.

Last week I went into week five... but somehow I don't really shake it off. I wanted to but then the negative voices returned. Every healthy choice I think "Why am I bothering?" Every not so healthy choice I think, "You see. This is why you're failing." Then starts the back slide... I start to not track as much. I begin to let some unhealthy choices creep in - all the while feeling defeated. I get angry and frustrated. I know that this is super undermining. I know that this is a really dumb thing to do. I know this but yet it happens to me and I have to break this cycle.

So week five. I still (half-assed) tried but also made some not-so-good choices. I almost didn't want to weigh-in. I didn't want to see week three of a gain. But I decided to go to my weigh-in. I decided to just wipe the slate clean and get back on track because what's the alternative? And this is how that went:

WEEK FIVE: I did? How's that possible? I lost a pound? But I wasn't that great this week. I ate my emotions twice. I didn't measure out or track my martini. Maybe the previous weeks of hard work caught up? Huh. Yeah, and I guess that the 75% of the time of still trying to eat right last week didn't hurt either. Um. Ok. Sure. (Cue song: "Make Me Lose My Mind")...

The unexpected pound lost this week was good'ish - I mean I fully expected to have gained at least a pound and a half back. This weight loss and the scale truly has no rhyme or reason. I guess my big lesson to learn and my greatest challenge is really getting over the scale. My husband said this morning, "Just do what you're doing. You're eating super healthy and exercising. Stay the course and throw out the scale." Maybe he's right. I don't know that I'm strong enough to throw out the scale but, no matter what, I know I have to just stay the course. 

The good news is I'm still down 6.2 pounds since recommitting.

The journey to the finish line is never a straight path. 

XO

Jen

How are things with you? 

Whole30 Days 22, 23, and 24 - screw the scale

Yay!

It's been two weeks here in Kentucky and now I'm going home.

I'm so thankful that I've been able to manage this Whole30 while away. 

I shunned alcohol, figured out meals, ate out 3 times and went through a whole jar of Ghee but I did it. 

I'm pretty convinced I haven't lost a pound. My clothes feel exactly the same but I'm still happy I've done this program. It was exactly what I needed to get on the clean eating track again. I have plans of sticking to this style of eating more or less but will be adding back brown rice and bean probably. And I will definitely be adding occasional alcohol back. I am going to try not to drink more than 2 times a week. 

I would be lying if I didn't say I went in to this really wanting to lose weight. When I began to realize I wasn't going to shed the ten or fifteen pounds I was secretly hoping for I was momentarily disappointed. But then I started to think about it and believe it or not, if I never lose a pound again - I think I'm (at least for today) at peace with it.

I have been reflecting (not obsessing) about my weight lately. If I'm weighing about what I think I do - I am about 10 pounds higher than the weight I LOVED being at and 5 pounds above my general goal. 

But. 

I'm healthy. I eat well. I exercise regularly. I am a good person and a hard worker. I'm kind of tired of living and dying, loving or hating myself based on the number on the scale. No I don't want the scale to become a runaway train in the wrong direction but if I'm living healthfully and fitfully I just want to feel OK with it. And I think I do for now.

I have a friend who use to battle an eating disorder and has emphatically not been on a scale for years. In fact she refuses to even let the doctor weigh her. She's fit and healthy and eats right. She gave up the scale battle and the mental crap that comes with it. I don't think I'm quite at the point of never getting on it but it might become a goal for me. Something about never weighing myself terrifies me too.

What about you? Are you an obsessive weigher or do you hardly step on?

XO

Jen 

Day 35 - 48 days to go... take that, stupid scale.

Holy crap!  I'm under 50 days away and my first 5K is a week from today!  (Uh, I didn't mean for that to rhyme so Dr. Seuss like...)

Anyway.  Listen.  "F" you scale.  I said it, double fingers blazing, effffff you scale!  Why?  Because  I'm the most badass 178 pound, size 16 chick out there... (or at least at my gym.)  You can stick on that number all you want because I will not be stopped.  Today I ran for over 2 miles and for 30 minutes straight!  Young guy next to me?  Ran for 20 and was out.  Not me.  Thirty, 3-0, 30 minutes before walking.  So put that on your scale and weigh it.

And not only did I accomplish that but I accomplished it on a day where I wasn't walking in that gym feeling my best.  I was a little down about the weigh in, I was a little shaky (ok hungover) from my giant martini last night - didn't get much sleep and I had cramps.  But I sucked it all up, ate a little oatmeal and got my (still) big ass to the gym and running.

So there, scale.  Bring it.

XO
Jen