Never Judge a Book by Its Cover: People Magazine and Emotionally Healing

2018 is already leaps and bounds better than 2017. I feel very good about this year ahead.

Yesterday I worked out and meal prepped so going into today, I felt strong.

And today was a good day emotionally. As we build From Fat to Finish Line (the company), we've struggled financially. I AM NOT COMPLAINING. I made the decision to dedicate myself to FFTFL because I believe in it. But sometimes it's tough. We are trying to survive on just my husband's salary and he doesn't make much. We are backed up in debt and have really had to downsize and adjust how we spend and live. Some days the financial burden causes a lot of stress and angst around the household and I'm pretty sure that stress didn't help my depression / overeating and alcohol haze of 2017.

While all of us behind the scenes believe in what we are doing 100% - we're still not generating money to pay ourselves salaries. We've all made sacrifices for this passion of ours and the people in our tribe makes it 1000% worth it. I have never, not for one minute, regretted my decision to push my chips all in and go for it. But still, in the meantime, we have to figure out a way to pay the bills.

So today I got invited to do some freelance production work for a local company and about a half an hour in, they invited me to work all week! This unexpected week of work is going to help our household tremendously. I used to work with this company a few years back and it felt good to be there. It gave me a good confidence boost to be amongst people who believe I'm a talented and solid worker. When you struggle with depression and have had a few set backs, sometimes just a little thing like this can help remind you that you're not a piece of shit good at something. It's easy to start to feel worthless and lose your sense of ability. They are also very supportive and super impressed of what we are doing with From Fat to Finish Line and that's very cool.

Food wise I did well. And I'm still well within my Weight Watcher's points :)

And in bigger and better news - check out this amazing article in People Magazine about my very good friend Mike Bauler.

Let me tell you a little bit about this guy. I met Mike last February or so. I was convinced by Rik Akey (original FFTFL Runner in the film and head coach for the company) to run Ragnar Del Sol. Mike was in my van and I immediately judged a book by its cover. I looked him up on Facebook and without knowing one thing about him, immediately thought, "Ugh. I'm not gonna get along with this guy. He's young, good looking and a very, very fast runner." My own insecurities about being old, chubby and a very, very slow runner kicked in and so I immediately pegged him as "cocky."

Well, turns out, I was a total asshole. He couldn't have been a better van mate. Supportive, kind, protective, and motivational. He is a great guy. And the more I learned about him the bigger of an asshole I became for pre-judging him. This guy volunteers, takes his kids to their games and karate lessons, never complains about having to squeeze in his Ironman training around kid stuff and work, and is the commissioner of a wheelchair basketball league. Cocky? So, so far from it. I learned a great lesson from Mike - never, ever assume shit. It was super unfair of me to do that and petty. I could've missed out on having a great friend if I held on to my first impression based on practically nothing.  I now consider Mike one of my closest friends and I'm lucky to know him. Even if he is obnoxiously fast. ;)

How's your 2018 going so far?

XO
Jen

Don't give up so easily

As I hinted in my race report, I've been having a tough time lately. I struggle with bouts of depression and I've been muddled in a mild bout for the past few weeks. It's been tough. I remind myself of all the blessings I have and try to remain as positive as possible but it's hard. When I go through these bouts it's literally like having a grey cloud sitting on my head. There's a dull ache in my head, a dullness to everything and just a general, overall, yuck. I hate it. But it's part of my life and I do my best to deal. I know it will pass and I no longer dive my feelings into food. I do find relief in exercise, especially running and running so hard I'm gasping and sweating and hurting. That really helps a lot. 

In addition to feeling a little blue it's been a challenging summer. I have felt overwhelmed personally and then there is my weight.

My happy "perfect" weight is about 145 - my I'm OK weight is 148, my "this is it" weight is 150. I have to officially be 152 to "be free" at Weight Watchers as 150 is my goal and you have two pounds of wiggle room.  So 152 and over is my "Oh shit" weight. 

I have not paid for Weight Watchers since 2010.

Today I had to pay. Oh shit.

I probably hit about 155 but the last few weeks I've worked my ass off to try to fix that. I have counted every point, I've cut out most treats, I have run harder and longer, I have added more workouts, I've done a lot and the scale isn't really moving. I thought I got it down enough to at least hit 152 for free WW.

But I didn't. I was 152.4 -- I missed the boat by .4

And I about lost my shit. I had to seriously work hard not to cry on the scale - which is absolutely ridiculous. I didn't cry on the damn scale when I was 250 pounds. I didn't cry on my WW journey when the scale went the wrong way. (OK I might've complained but I didn't cry.) 

I feel strong and healthy. I don't even hate my body or how I look. Getting this upset and obsessed is not my usual thing. What gives?

I lost it because in all the chaos I've been going through and the bad feeling of late I really needed the small victory of feeling in control of something. And I wanted desperately to be able to say - "it might all be falling to crap but I've got this thing!" But I didn't. And it really punched me in the gut. 

Not to mention that in the back of my "fat girl" mind I'm always worried about the slippery slope - the fear that a few pounds will somehow come back as a hundred.

Well. 

I went home, took a shower, put on some lipgloss and headed to NYC for a big meeting today.

I decided that it was OK to be up in weight. To be overwhelmed, to not necessarily have it all together. I'm doing the best I can at any given moment and that has to be good enough for me. 

I kind of got serious with myself. 152? REALLY. This is what is going to make you come undone? I mean talk about being silly. I decided to truly count my blessings. I'm such a lucky girl. I can't let the depression, the weight, the black cloud and mean girl voices rob me of my happiness. It's always going to be a challenge but I have to battle back. I can't give up. 

And on the way to the city the clouds began to lift and the sun began to come out. I started to feel better. 

I had a great meeting. Things were starting to turn in my favor. And then I got to the subway platform  for my return home, in time to see the doors to my train close. I had just missed it. My face must've said it all, as I thought, "Shit. Of course a day late and a dollar short again."

The conductor saw me and said, "Are you getting on this train?" I said "yes." And he opened the doors for me! If you've ever ridden a NYC subway, you know they do not do this. They do not reopen the doors once closed. I felt lucky.

He then came into the car and double checked that I was on the right train. I said thank you and he said, "Hey, no problem. You know, you shouldn't give up so easily."

I know this all sounds like it's straight out of some corny movie or episode of GIRLS - this stuff really doesn't happen but it happened to me. On this day of days that I needed to hear it the most. His words resonated with me.

He's right. I mean talk about the ultimate cliche. A door closed but another one opened. You just can't give up so easily.

XO

Jen