It's had its ups and downs. It has ebbed and flowed I've reached miles run I've never thought possible and then, out of the blue, here I sit having been hit in the head with the "I don't wanna do nothing," followed by the "you see, you are a failure" punches.
If you know me, you know I've had a lot of issues with negative and limiting thoughts. I have come a long way. Lately, it's been much more challenging.
As if most of you didn't already think I was nuts, here's a sampling of the "inner dialogue" that's been taking place. I present to you:
Voice One: "You should run at least 6 miles today if you want to keep up your miles and that's being lenient. I'd like to see 8 really but I know you won't do it. So I'm cutting you a break."
Voice Two: "F-you, number one. It's hot, I'm stressed, I'm depressed. What I want to do with the ten seconds of free time I've mustered up is have a few cocktails, eat something awesome and maybe take a nap…"
Voice One: "You're gonna get fat again. You're a fraud. People look to you for inspiration. You are stotan! Get it together. Machines don't fall apart!"
Voice Two: "I can't hear you over the roar of the microwave!" "lalalalalalala-covering my ears" Pass the ketchup number one or get the hell out of my kitchen."
Voice Three: "Just run for 20 minutes… just do something… can't we all just get along? You don't have to run for 26 miles but do something… OK?"
Voice Two: "OK - I'll squeak out 20 minutes. But not a minute more and then I'm gonna order some beef and broccoli for the effort."
Voice One: "20 minutes? You're kidding me, you won't even burn the calories in the broccoli… keep fooling yourself, I give up. Good luck - don't come crying to me when you're shopping in plus sizes again."
So such has been the summer of insanity. Of battling the hot weather and the demons that have seemed to come from the firey hell of heat wave upon heat wave and the crazy people living in my head. Running on the treadmill is boring and running in the heat oppressive but that ain't nothing compared to the lull in motivation I've been experiencing lately.
I've tried to talk about it with friends but it's tough. They see me as someone who was training hard, now "looks great" and needs a bit of a break. I see myself as someone who is letting it all fall apart if I don't take action RIGHT NOW.
The good news (you know I'm always good for the "good news / bad news" analysis) is that I am feeling better as of this very second. I will run today. And it will probably be for more than 20 minutes. I am also feeling "OK" enough to even blog about it and talk to other running friends instead of continuing to bury my head in a carton of pork lo mein. I'm happy that I'm thinking about it and working at it and not giving up on myself. I may have slipped a little with food, I might be up a pound or five… I may not be marathon or even half marathon ready but I'm still 5K or 10K ready, down 90 pounds and have the opportunity to make today the first day of my running / overall life.
I should blog more often. It really is good therapy.
So today is a new day. I can't promise an 8 mile run but I can promise that I'm not gonna give up on myself.
PS: It might be a summer thing for me -- Looking back to around a year ago, it seems I had similar struggles.