You're Fat, It's Hopeless and Other Mean Things I've Told Myself

I know it's been a while since I've posted. 

It's not that I haven't wanted to update you but I've been feeling a little (OK a LOT) discouraged. I haven't had any good news. I've been struggling to lose and felt embarrassed. What could I say to you when the scale is going the wrong way? 

What could I say when all I have going through my mind is "Here we go again. You can't do this. You see. You're a fraud and failing."

So here's a little recap of how things have gone so far. BTW (this is a pretty typical pattern).

WEEK ONE: Great! Yay! I lost weight. I love this program! I rock. I'm in control. This time it's different. This time I'm going to do it. I will be at goal in no time. (Cue song: "This Girl is On Fire")

WEEK TWO: WOO HOO! I lost again. See. I am unstoppable. I got this. High fives for everyone. This is so easy! (Cue song: "All I do is Win").

WEEK THREE: What? What do you mean I gained weight? But I did everything right! I'm counting all my points and even started working out again. Oh. Yeah. Maybe I need to drink more water? Sure. Maybe my soup was too salty yesterday or the exercise did something to my muscles... retaining water. Yea. Yea.  It's gonna go back down next week. I'm annoyed but not worried. I got this. (Cue Song: "I Get Knocked Down...")

WEEK FOUR: What! How the hell... I gained again? I don't know what went wrong but apparently I suck. I mean what the F*@@? I ran five times this week, said no to pizza, chose steamed green beans instead of the loaded potato and this is how the scale repays me? F*@@ it. Why am I bothering? UGH.  OK - look, get it together... just get back on track. (Cue song: "Shake it Off")

Between week three and four I had gained close to four pounds back. I mean. Seriously. What is that?

mmmmm. burritos.

Last week I went into week five... but somehow I don't really shake it off. I wanted to but then the negative voices returned. Every healthy choice I think "Why am I bothering?" Every not so healthy choice I think, "You see. This is why you're failing." Then starts the back slide... I start to not track as much. I begin to let some unhealthy choices creep in - all the while feeling defeated. I get angry and frustrated. I know that this is super undermining. I know that this is a really dumb thing to do. I know this but yet it happens to me and I have to break this cycle.

So week five. I still (half-assed) tried but also made some not-so-good choices. I almost didn't want to weigh-in. I didn't want to see week three of a gain. But I decided to go to my weigh-in. I decided to just wipe the slate clean and get back on track because what's the alternative? And this is how that went:

WEEK FIVE: I did? How's that possible? I lost a pound? But I wasn't that great this week. I ate my emotions twice. I didn't measure out or track my martini. Maybe the previous weeks of hard work caught up? Huh. Yeah, and I guess that the 75% of the time of still trying to eat right last week didn't hurt either. Um. Ok. Sure. (Cue song: "Make Me Lose My Mind")...

The unexpected pound lost this week was good'ish - I mean I fully expected to have gained at least a pound and a half back. This weight loss and the scale truly has no rhyme or reason. I guess my big lesson to learn and my greatest challenge is really getting over the scale. My husband said this morning, "Just do what you're doing. You're eating super healthy and exercising. Stay the course and throw out the scale." Maybe he's right. I don't know that I'm strong enough to throw out the scale but, no matter what, I know I have to just stay the course. 

The good news is I'm still down 6.2 pounds since recommitting.

The journey to the finish line is never a straight path. 

XO

Jen

How are things with you? 

My Take on the New Freestyle Weight Watchers Program

So I've been floundering around with Weight Watchers since the beginning of time. (Ok for the last year or so). I've been going to my meetings (which I really, really enjoy) but the actual following through and following the program has been dicey.

I don't know what happens. I go to the meeting, get excited for the week ahead, track a meal or two and then it all falls to shit. Rinse and repeat. Sigh.

Love when I manage to get those blue dots!

Anyway, I'm really excited about this new program and feeling rejuvenated. The first week of trying it I absolutely loved it and recorded a great loss for me. Basically, you get a few less points but there are a lot of point-free foods to keep you satisfied.

Great loss for me! First week on Freestyle

The "free" foods include:

• Eggs
• Skinless chicken breast
• Beans 
• Tofu
• Edamame
• Most fish 
• Corn
• Peas
• Fruits & Veggies 
• Fat free plain Greek yogurt

The first week that I did it I was super prepared - I made hard boiled eggs for quick and free snacks, I made a big batch of chicken chili and I roasted chick peas for crunchier snacks. I was never hungry because truthfully, there's no reason to not eat something if you're hungry. There can be many choices... if you're prepared. 

The second week was weaker for me because I didn't meal prep, I wasn't as prepared and it made a big differnce. This is the big key for me. I must, must plan and prep.

Steamed Shrimp and Broccoli - FREE
1/3 cup brown rice - 2pts
2 steamed dumplings 4pts
2 tablespoons of brown sauce on side 1pt
Chinese takeout done right! YUM

Truthfully with the holidays hitting I've been half-assing it and eating stuff that I rarely do (and only at this time of year.) However, I'm super excited to really grab this program and run with it. I did massive shopping today and I'm ready to commit 100% to getting back to goal. 

I'll share some recipes in upcoming posts. 

I really think that Weight Watchers has nailed it with their current program. 

Hope you are all doing well! 

XO

Jen 

I'm Back! My Personal From Fat to Finish Line Goals for 2018

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Is this thing on?

Are any of you still out there?

It's been a looooong time since my last post. More than a year as a matter of fact.

Even though it's been forever and a day I'm back.

From Fat to Finish Line on Netflix! 

I need to be back. You see, in spite of the success From Fat to Finish Line has enjoyed as a documentary film and From Fat to Finish Line as an online movement and tribe - I've been personally struggling hard. I've dealt with weight gain, lack of motivation and some depression. Looking back at what worked for me in reaching my goals all those years ago, I have come to realize that this blog was pivotal in my journey.

Writing this blog provided me:
1. Accountability and
2. A journal of sorts.
I need both so here I am.

First things first, A few highlights/ not so highlights from the last year or so:

Some of us FFTFL'ers in Dublin at 5K

1. From Fat to Finish Line the documentary is doing well and you can watch it on Netflix, iTunes, Amazon and other streaming services.
2. Thanks in part to the film, From Fat to Finish Line has grown into a big, supportive FB community and company. We have resources for new and overweight runners.  You can join the FB community HERE, Learn how to run your first mile HERE, and check out our website HERE.
3. I ran two Ragnars last year (Del Sol and Poconos) which really made me fall in love with Ragnar. 
4. I celebrated my 45th birthday in Dublin, Ireland with the FFTFL tribe.
5. From Fat to Finish Line had an amazing meet-up in Las Vegas again.
6. I am up 25 pounds from my goal weight.
7. I have dealt with depression.
8. I have been struggling to run and get my workouts in.
9. I moved to a new apartment.

Van 1 Ragnar Del Sol: Team Running Down a Dream 

So here's my goals for 2018 in no particular order: 

HEALTH: I need to get back to basics and cut the shit. I've not been doing the right thing. I intend to make my health a priority by:  Losing the 25 pounds I gained and get back to goal. I will accomplish this by running at least 3x's a week, weight training at least twice a week, choosing healthy foods and tracking by sticking to Weight Watchers. 

I will commit to and make drinking my water a priority. I will cut down or cut out alcohol. I will take my vitamins, and avoid gluten.  I will continue to see my therapist and find ways to cope with stuff that doesn't involve food or alcohol such as meditation. 

HOME: I will disconnect from electronics when connecting with friends and family. I will make human interaction a priority and spend less time, nose down in my computer and wasting time on social media like FB. I will also honor my home itself by keeping the clutter down and keeping my home clean and organized. When it's a mess it drives me crazy and doesn't help anything! 

CAREER: I will continue to build the From Fat to Finish Line brand. This is my life and passion. I am committed to chugging forth in giving my best when it comes to the company. I want to reach my finish line goals and I want others to as well. I will finish my life coaching course which has me studying how to support others in mental/emotional/physical and spiritual health. This not only helps me to be able to support the FFTFL tribe but it is teaching me how to cope with my own stuff too! 

RUN: Although mentioned in my "Health" section above - Running deserves its own place. First of all, I have a lot of running coming up in 2018.

• I got accepted into the Chicago Marathon for 2018.
• I am running FOUR FFTFL Relays in 2018: The Buck Fifty in OH, Ragnar TN, Ragnar Chicago and Ragnar Northwest Passage. 
• I'd like to run NJ half marathon at the shore and Rock 'n' Roll Vegas half.

Second of all. Running makes everything better for me. Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I MUST make it a priority. I was able to keep my depression more or less in check for years just by consistenly running. This last year my running game was off and the depression came back in full force, the weight crept further up, I lost my overall mojo. I'm trying to manage, went on a mild anti-depressant and am working things out in therapy but I need my runs. 

Turning 45 in Dublin

So while the last year or so has been a little challenging - it's all a part of life. All a part of the journey. I'm taking the positives and learning from the negatives. I'm ready to take on 2018 and make it my bitch the best year ever! 

What are some of your goals for 2018?

From Fat to Finish Line Film: Pinch Me!!

Holy crap, people.

This is happening.

The film is out, people are watching it and they like it. They really, really like it.

 Amazon Five Stars! 

It's so incredibly humbling and exhilarating all at the same time.

I am still in awe of all of it. It seems like just yesterday where I was grossly obese, out of control, hopeless and desperate. I still sometimes struggle with food, motivation to run, temptation to over-eat, and the desire to be lazy rather than work out. But yet, I find myself in this place of having a film out there, in the universe, about running and making it to the finish line. I am so blessed.

I am even lucky that people like it enough to try to steal! We had to alert YouTube no less than five times this week of people trying to pirate the movie.

And that's not all. We have made it to the top ten ( top 7 as a matter of fact) of all documentaries on iTunes! OMG!! We were featured in the main banner on iTunes and are sitting side by side with heavy hitters - folks who have won OSCARS, folks supported and made by major movie companies... Little 'ol us. Pinch me.

Top banner on iTunes and under News & Newsworthy! 

#7 on iTunes for ALL documentaries! What!?

So here's the deal. If you want to get it, you can get it here on iTunes and here on Amazon.

If you watch it. Let me know what you think!

-----------------------------

In other news outside the whole exciting movie thing and all, I've had a last few months of ups and downs weight wise. I finally decided to do something a little radical and do a few week of really clean, VEGAN eating.

beans, quinoa, avocado, onions, peppers and tomato - delish

The vegan thing is super edgy for me because I have always heavily relied on meat-based protein at every meal but it's been a better than expected experiment. I'm about a week and a half in and while it's been a little challenging it's been very interesting to note that I can be satisfied without animal protein. It definitely takes effort but I'm doing it. I should also tell you that since I'm on Weight Watchers, I am counting points. Even plan based foods can add up quickly and I could easily be an overweight vegan. ;)

As far as running is concerned, I'm getting my groove back. I've been struggling to get in miles when I can (we've been super busy and I've been traveling a lot) and I'm super nervous about being prepared for the NYC Marathon. I'm not where I would like to be for that. But you know, what can you do? I'm going to just keep on trying the best I can and fighting to keep my head in the game.

How are you guys doing?

Any veggie based dishes I should be trying?

Have you seen the movie?

XO
Jen

San Diego Screening of From Fat to Finish Line Documentary and other stuff

Hi all!

I've become such a bad blogger but that's only because we are kicking booty and working so hard in many other areas.

Just thought I'd do a drive by and update you on some good stuff:

1. It's been slow and not-so-steady but the weight is slowly coming off. I'm back at WW and also using some of the tools at SparkPeople. Since December 27 I'm down 15 pounds and I'm about 7 pounds from my goal weight. I'm feeling good and my clothes are fitting better.

2. I've completed 30 days of no alcohol and super hydrating. I gave up the alcohol because I was drinking too much. Nearly every day I would look forward to a glass of wine (or if the day was particularly stressful) a martini. The fact that I was starting to 'count down' the minutes until wine-o'clock scared me and I just felt like it was undermining all the healthy things I've done. I have read that it takes 21 days to make a habit and 30 to really cement it. I'm at 31 days and feel really great. I don't miss the drinking and I think it's sped up my weight loss. I sleep better and wake up better. The super hydrating has been a win for me too. This has always been a place where I've struggled. My weight loss has been much better since incorporating both of these things. For the hydration, I've been using an app called Plant Nanny. Every time you drink water you 'water' your plant and it grows. Forget to water it and it gets sicks and dies. That's a lot of pressure. LOL.

 

3. We are having a special From Fat to Finish Line Documentary screening in San Diego!  On May 23, 2016 we will be having a pre-release sneak preview screening at the Green Flash Brew Co.! I will be there, alongside our director Angela Lee and a few of the runners from the film. It will be a night of beer and cheer you won't want to miss. :) Please find all the details here!

4. The film will be released world-wide this summer! I will update with an official announcement as soon as I can.  If you don't know what the movie is about it's basically about 12 runners (moi included) that have all lost a lot of weight and team up to run a 200 mile Ragnar Relay Race from Miami to Key West. It's funny, emotional, and inspirational (if I do say so myself). We are proud of it.

5. Don't forget to sign up here to get updates and news on the film, soon to be released running app, and more. :) 

Hope all is well with you!

Do you have any special apps you use to help you drink water or get to your health goals? 

XO

Jen 

Checking out The Oprah & Deepak 21 Day Meditation Experience

My first time doing Yoga 2011 with Cynthia 

There are a few things I've been saying to myself I need to do for years and kind of never achieve for one reason or another. As annoying as it is to keep trying and failing at some of these things, I'm a big believer in never giving up.

The "I should will do list" includes:

1. Strength train more.

2. Consistently drink 8 glasses of water a day.

3. Take daily vitamin.

4. Yoga

5. Meditation

Just writing this list out has just made me refill my glass of water and pop a vitamin so there's that - so far so good!

The one thing I've never actually have given a good try to though is meditation. I've read in many a self-help book how powerful and transformative meditating can be but just never knew where to start.

About a week ago, my friend Cynthia sent me this link. (Cynthia is also the first person to teach me some yoga moves.) The link is for "The Oprah & Deepak 21-Day Meditation Experience." I didn't even think twice about it at first. I knew I should try meditation but, really, who has time? And like yoga and strength training, I would probably not really follow through on it anyway. But still, something about it made me click the link and I signed up. (It's free, so why not?)

Today was day one. Today's centering thought was: "My struggle has ended. I am in harmony with myself" and the mantra was: Om Laghu Bhavam. Of course half way through, my mind wandered for all of 5 seconds and I couldn't quite remember the mantra or the centering thought but I did my best. By the way,"Om Laghu Bhavam" means "I am lightness itself" which I forgot as soon as Deepak said it and just had to re-look it up for this blog post. Oy. I mean, Om. 

The centering thought really resonated with me. "My struggle has ended. I am in harmony with myself." I've been struggling with the scale. Ironically, I feel strong, healthy and a recent physical has proven that my healthy eating and consistent running has me in optimal health. But. I'm still up about 13 pounds from my goal weight and the A student in me is on fire about it. And I've been frustrated because I've been following the Weight Watchers Program to the "T." Dutifully weighing and measuring my food and logging it. I actually enjoy the process of all of that. I adore the women in my meeting and my leader, and I personally do much better when I'm following a regiment vs just "winging it." Yet the scale barely budges. If the scale didn't matter I'd be very happy, but the scale does matter in a way, and I've allowed it to get the best of me lately.

The centering thought has me rethinking the scale though. I am happy. I am in harmony with myself. I am strong and healthy, I have so much to be grateful for and everyday I want to wake up and thank the universe for my strong healthy body. It's such a blessing to be able to run! To move! To not be on medication to not face disease because of poor habits. So I'm ending my struggle with the scale. My body might want to be healthy at this weight or something will kick in at some point but either way, I am going to believe that I am in harmony with myself.  I will continue to go to WW because I love the friendship and it provides me the tools and balance I need to keep moving forward but I'm truly going to work at letting go of the numbers. 

This 21 day meditation journey is literally about "shedding weight" in every sense of the word. Most importantly the heavy stuff weighing on your heart, soul and mind. Who can't use a little lightening up? 

By the way, shortly after my first time meditating this morning, as if to confirm that I am on the right path, I saw this NY Times Article, Meditation Plus Running as a Treatment for Depression pop up on my FB newsfeed. Running has definitely helped to ease my depression so this was a particularly interesting read for me. 

I'm pretty sure you can still sign up for The Oprah & Deepak 21-Day Meditation Experience if you want to give it a shot. If you do, let me know what you think!

Have you ever meditated before? What are your thoughts? 

XO 

Jen

PS: I'm still raising money for Autism by running the NYC Marathon this November. I have a goal of $3000 and it's going to take a lot of help to get there! If you are so moved, please consider supporting the cause - You can donate here: https://www.crowdrise.com/OrgforAutismResearchNYC2016/fundraiser/jenniferroe2

PSS: If you want to check out the cool, FREE From Fat to Finish Line Running App click here to sign up to get on the list! I promise it's not going to be your average running app :) 

From Fat to Finish Line the Continually Amazing Journey

Hello all -

It's been a few months since my last big race The New York City Marathon and I haven't really blogged since.

I thought I would just check in and let ya all know what's been going down.

Week after NYC marathon ran the Vegas Rock N Roll Half.  Cool Race
(left to right - Carly, Angela, Michele and me - all wearing cool team FFTFL shirts!)

ON THE PERSONAL FRONT:

I am still running! I'm at a nice little place in my running - getting in runs of between 2 and 4 miles most days of the week. I'm going to start training for my next race pretty soon (The NJ Half Marathon) but it's been nice not worrying about really long runs. (Though I did throw my name back into the pool for the NYC marathon so we'll see what happens.)

I am back at Weight Watchers.

I have managed to keep most of my weight off but about 20 pounds have crept back on over the course of the last few years (particularly post marathon where I continued to eat like I was training). And decided to go back because my twin was going. I figured I could support her and she could support me. Plus it's a nice way to make sure we see each other at least once a week.. I am enjoying the new program and being back in a meeting. I am an old lady at heart and look forward to 'shooting the shit' with others about healthy recipes and the highs and lows of weight loss.

I've lost a little weight and am about 12 pounds from goal.

ON THE BUSINESS FRONT:

Very exciting news. For those who don't know, I produced a documentary also called "From Fat to Finish Line" (not about me or this blog - you can read about it and see the trailer if you click the film tab above) and things are going great. The film looks so good and we landed a major distribution deal! We are wrapping up details but it seems that we'll be releasing it someplace between mid-May and mid-June 2016! I will keep you posted.

We are in the process of developing a From Fat to Finish Line app that will be geared towards runners who really like to connect with a community as they run and train. More to come on that too. Drop me an email if you want to be added to the list to try the app for free when we're testing it. If you email via the "contact me" button here, please make sure to include your email address in the body of the message or I won't be able to get back in touch with you or add you to the list.

We are also going to be doing team "From Fat to Finish Line" Races. We are working with our friends at Road Runner Sports and will be at their inaugural races which are scheduled for San Diego on July 17, Atlanta on September 10th and Phoenix on October 16th.  We are securing lots of goodies for our "FFTFL" friends and team including discount codes and special swag. You can learn more about the race series itself here. We will also have a team race at Rock N Roll Virginia Beach on Sept. 4th. If you want to be counted as a team From Fat to Finish Line person you can check out our race events here: From Fat to Finish Line Facebook group


So there's some of the scoop. I feel so blessed that my decisions to lose weight and start running took me on this path. I'm so lucky that my business partner and BFF, Angela was also a runner and saw a vision in all this. Never in my wildest dreams could I have envisioned where this journey would lead me! A movie! An app! Team races.

How are things with you? What unexpected gifts and moments has running given you?

xo
Jen

Monday Musings and Making a Comeback

So I'm three and a half weeks back on Weight Watchers and into Marathon training and things are clicking and feeling good. I feel like I'm on a comeback after a long stretch of nothing feeling like it was working.

This past Friday I had my weigh-in and I was down something small like .2 pounds. ALL GOOD. I wasn't even the slightest upset with the mini loss. First, I had lost a combined loss of about 7 pounds in the first two weeks which is a lot for me. Secondly the day before was Thanksgiving and I'm pretty sure that the extra sodium and wine wasn't helping my cause at the scale. As long as that scale is moving in the right direction I will take those .2 pounds proudly. :)

At this point even if I only lose .2 a week for the rest of my journey (annoying as that would be) I would be at peace with that. I'm feeling good. I'm exercising and moving often, eating right (for the most part), watching my portion size and doing a better job at hydrating. 

Starting line at Turkey Trot

On Thanksgiving I kicked the day off with a turkey trot. It was a great day. I ran it with a bunch of girls from the running club I belong to and it was great to see those friends. I planned for this race to be pretty much incorporated in as just a general training day. I didn't 'race' per se but I found myself pushing the pace more than usual. It's a tough little 5K because it is very hilly and it's also pretty congested for the first half of mile or so. Lots of little kids and walkers 5 across. This would not be the race to try to PR at. However, even with all that said, I wound up running it faster than I've done a 5K in a long time.  I've been training at around 11'50 - 12'00 min. mile. My hope was to be around 11'30 in this race. I wound up doing better - an overall average of 10'31! I didn't expect that.  It was a beautiful run. A little chilly (but felt great once running) big fluffy snow flakes falling and in a beautiful upscale, Bergen county neighborhood. 

And talking about beautiful - check out these sexy splits: 

9'56!? Wow. Haven't seen that time for a mile in a loooong time! Woo!

After the race we went up to my parent's house for festivities. I did well. I 'counted' my points for all the indulgences and between my weekly points and the points I earned through activity had plenty to cover. I'm happy about how I handled things.

Of course, the irony is that I did well on Thanksgiving and then while visiting a friend on Saturday afternoon wound up falling face first into a bowl of chips, dip and a few glasses of wine. :/

Partially responsible for that empty dish of french onion dip

Ooops. The good news is that I had the points to cover the damage thanks to a six mile run that morning and I had just got all my weekly bonus points back. The bad news is it's not the way I wanted to uses those points. Oh well. Crappy food happens every once in a while and the fact that I was aware of what I was doing is the key. It's important that I acknowledge it so I can learn from it and also adjust my eating the rest of the week to compensate for the slip. 

This Friday I'm heading to Palm Springs to participate in a Triathlon. I am signed up for the OLY distance but I'm going to drop down to the sprint. I'm not trained for the OLY distance - I have been exercising but focusing on running. I just haven't been motivated lately to work on my swim or bike. I don't know what my problem is. Part of me really wants to love triathlon but the other part of me just feels overwhelmed by the idea of breaking my training up into three different things. Just running is so much easier for me to wrap my head around. I'm not giving up on it yet (I just bought that bike!) and I'm already signed up for the Pococnos OLY next year but triathlon definitely continues to be a challenge for me. 

How was your Thanksgiving?

Thanks to you all for your comments and to those who've sent me notes I appreciate it!

XO

Jen

Talking Turkey, Weight Watchers and Running

Happy Thanksgiving!

So I'm into week three of marathon training already. It's a long-a$$ training program (24 weeks or something!) So far the runs have been manageable - a few 3 mile runs, a few 5 mile runs and I've been getting them all in - which feels great.

Beautiful park for running and eclectic collection of music getting me through the miles!

I'm aiming to run the New Jersey Marathon on April 26th. In case you didn't know, the New Jersey half marathon is what kicked off my whole "From Fat To Finish Line Journey" back in 2010. It was my first half marathon ever and what started me running.  I've run the half every year since and it's a very nostalgic and special race for me. 

I'm already signed up for it. To be honest with how crazy work has been I can't even guarantee I'll be in New Jersey to run the race! But the journey of training for a race is important so instead of not going for it, "just in case" I won't be here, I'm training. If I can't do that one I might find an alternate race around that time. We'll see. I am just finding a need to have a big goal and challenge right now. 

I'm also well into week 3 of doing the Simply Filling Program (a weight watchers plan) and it's been awesome. My first week I lost 5 pounds and last week I lost 1.6 - almost 7 pounds in two weeks! That's really solid for me. It's been a period of making some changes. The biggest sacrifice has been giving up my nightly cocktail. There's been a few cases of, "I could really use a glass of wine" that I have passed up. I'm pretty sure that the alcohol was a big part of my weight gain and weight loss stalls. I am trying to adhere to a "drink only on a holiday or Friday/Saturday" rule and limit it to one or two tops.  I've also been writing down what I eat and keeping an eye on portions - even of healthy foods. 

However, I also eat when I'm hungry. And that's what I like about the program. Not only can you eat but it doesn't have to be limited to just fruits or veggies. You could grab a bowl of black bean soup or have a little chicken breast with some sweet potato. Tons of whole, good for you foods are options. That makes me happy.

I am proud of myself because I've been striving to make good choices. Yesterday I conquered a challenge. I occasionally work as a freelance producer for a YouTube cooking show. During the course of the day we make 6 - 8 recipes and usually they are pig-out days. Not only do we eat what we make but the company also brings in a really impressive spread of food for lunch. Yesterday I didn't eat the food from the shows and for lunch I had a salad along with something I brought from home. I didn't feel deprived like I thought I might. I felt accomplished. If I felt hungry I took out one of my snacks (like yogurt or a banana). This was a major victory for me. 

On the cooking show set - all smiles no over-eating! 

I weigh in on Friday morning (which is the day after Thanksgiving this week.) And I'm not sweating it.

I've been eating good and exercising consistently. I'm doing it right. My plan for Thanksgiving is to eat moderately and indulge a little bit in seasonal foods that are worth it to me. I have saved some points and earned some activity points so I should be covered. Realistically I know that when I step on the scale on Friday that it might be artificially up simply because of the sodium and foods I eat (and the wine that I will be drinking) on Thanksgiving. I'm going to weigh in and not put too much stock in it - if I happen to show a loss, well, that would be awesome but I'm not going to be disappointed if I don't show one. I know I just have to keep eating well and exercising. 

For as rocky and tough it's been the last year or so weight-wise, I'm at peace with it right now. I don't want to sound like a spokesperson for Weight Watchers (I am not. Though if they'd like to throw me a few bucks we can talk ;) ) but this Simply Filling Program is so good for me mentally. It just brings me back to common-sense eating with a good balanced approach - with a little wiggle room for treats. So far so good. We'll see.

Tomorrow I'm running my very first 5k Turkey Trot. I'm kind of looking forward to it and kind of not. It looks like it's gonna be cold and today it's snowing but I am excited to start the day off right with a good run with friends. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! How are you doing? Are you doing a turkey trot? 

XO

Jen 

It's a New Day

Why yes I have disappeared off the face of the earth for a bit.

Sorry about that.

It's been a time of reflection for me. I've been humbled by a gradual weight gain that I've been trying to nip in the bud.

My run has slowed, my jeans are a little bigger.

I have tried a few diets to get a kick-start loss but it seems I lose five and gain back 6. Kind of like how it seems to go for people. 

I guess the overall problem is I wasn't paying attention and I let a few bad habits come back.  I was in denial about that because I still exercise and eat pretty clean for the most part. This weight didn't come from all of a sudden scarfing a pint of ice cream every night or slopping mayo on everything. The weight has crept up because of the handful of potato chips a few times a week instead of salad with lunch. Or the extra piece of cheese on something instead of being cheese free. Oh and the nightly glass of wine after my son goes to sleep probably hasn't helped either. 

For a minute I felt doomed. I blamed my age and just kind of accepted that being 25 pounds overweight is the new me and I should just deal with it.

Ha. NO. I can't accept that. 

Right after eating about 10,000 calories worth of Chinese Food on Sunday night I get this.
Oh. Good news.

For a long time I thought to myself, "but I train now. I should be able to have a glass of wine or a slice of cheese." Yes. I should but only depending on how hard I'm training and how often I'm eating the foods. If I'm having one slice of cheese in the morning, a few chips at lunch and a glass of wine a night that's 350 extra calories a day -2,450 calories a week! Without thinking much about it, then add a nibble of chocolate or a healthy heaping of guacamole to dinner and well - this is how the weight creeps back. Something has to give (or be given up) so I'm buckling down and cleaning up my act. And I do not mean I'm hard-core dieting per se. I'm revisiting the idea of balance and moderation. I have to get on a scale once a week. I have to track my food. I've decided to go back to what helped me take the weight off originally and that was Weight Watchers. More specifically the "Simply Filling" technique.  Of course back when I was losing my weight it was called "The Core" program. 

I like this program. It's based pretty much on clean eating and you don't have to count many calories or points. You base your meals around "power foods" (most lean proteins, veggies, fruits, whole grains, fat free dairy and a little healthy fat like olive oil) and then you get 49 'points' for the week and can earn even more points through activity. You use those points for treats - like if you want a glass of wine, some cheese or something that's not on the power food list (I like to try to use some of my points for healthy stuff that's a little more caloric like avocado in my salad.) 

FYI wine is 4 pts. for 5oz. :) 

You don't weigh or measure your food, you eat until satisfied. I am not sure why I haven't gone back to this sooner. I lost my weight with the core program. I like that I don't have to obsess about serving sizes and can eat if I'm hungry - it gave me structure without feeling suffocated. Anyway... 

This is what my day looked like yesterday: 

Breakfast - 2 scrambled eggs, 1/2 cup of black beans and salsa on a corn tortilla (certain corn tortillas like "Mission white corn" are considered a power food - so the whole breakfast was Simply Filling)

Snack - banana

lunch - steamed shrimp and broccoli with brown rice and a cup of egg drop soup (2 pts for the soup) 

pre-workout snack - small lean turkey burger (no bun) topped with salsa

Run 4 miles - (earned 6 activity points) 

Dinner - Lean pork chop, steamed broccoli with 2 tsp. of olive oil, sweet potato with 1 tsp. of ghee. (1 pt. for ghee).

snack - 1 tsp of cashew nut butter (licked off the spoon lol) 1 pt. 

= used 4 points for the day (And by the way if I was hungry during any part of this day I could've eaten more - and anything on the Power Foods list - like ff greek yogurt with fresh strawberries might've been another snack or a cup of homemade lentil soup - I could've also used points if I wanted a non power food treat.)

Now this day isn't "WW perfect" technically the plan calls for 2 servings of FF dairy to fulfill the guidelines they provide. 

You might remember that I did Whole30 earlier this year and some of you might wonder why I don't go back to that. Looking back I felt it was a bit restrictive for me. I think it's a decent plan and I know many who are successful on it. I enjoyed my journey while on it but it's a lifestyle too and not the lifestyle for me at this time. I lost a few pounds with Whole30 but because I felt a little deprived on it, gained the weight right back. 

I like the WW Simply Filling Program because I can strive to eat healthy most of the time but use a few points on indulgent foods and drinks too. I have kept a few of the habits I got from Whole30 like using ghee, eating avocados, using cashew nut butter, etc - I just don't use them without abandon and keep an eye on the servings. And even though WW considers fat free cheese and some other processed foods "power foods" I, myself, will be avoiding the few processed items that make the list. I'd rather spend the points on a real piece of cheese for taste and I try to avoid foods with ingredients that I cannot pronounce. 

I'm on day 3 of the program now and feel happy. I'm not hungry, I'm eating foods I enjoy and for the first time in a long time I feel like I'm truly back on a good tack. For the first time in a long time I'm not afraid about the future of my weight and feel positive again. 

In other news - I started day one of a new marathon training program. 24 weeks until race. 

24 weeks to go, 25 pounds to lose and 26 miles to run...

It's a new day. I'm back on my path and once again going 'From Fat To Finish Line.' ;)

XO
Jen

Don't give up so easily

As I hinted in my race report, I've been having a tough time lately. I struggle with bouts of depression and I've been muddled in a mild bout for the past few weeks. It's been tough. I remind myself of all the blessings I have and try to remain as positive as possible but it's hard. When I go through these bouts it's literally like having a grey cloud sitting on my head. There's a dull ache in my head, a dullness to everything and just a general, overall, yuck. I hate it. But it's part of my life and I do my best to deal. I know it will pass and I no longer dive my feelings into food. I do find relief in exercise, especially running and running so hard I'm gasping and sweating and hurting. That really helps a lot. 

In addition to feeling a little blue it's been a challenging summer. I have felt overwhelmed personally and then there is my weight.

My happy "perfect" weight is about 145 - my I'm OK weight is 148, my "this is it" weight is 150. I have to officially be 152 to "be free" at Weight Watchers as 150 is my goal and you have two pounds of wiggle room.  So 152 and over is my "Oh shit" weight. 

I have not paid for Weight Watchers since 2010.

Today I had to pay. Oh shit.

I probably hit about 155 but the last few weeks I've worked my ass off to try to fix that. I have counted every point, I've cut out most treats, I have run harder and longer, I have added more workouts, I've done a lot and the scale isn't really moving. I thought I got it down enough to at least hit 152 for free WW.

But I didn't. I was 152.4 -- I missed the boat by .4

And I about lost my shit. I had to seriously work hard not to cry on the scale - which is absolutely ridiculous. I didn't cry on the damn scale when I was 250 pounds. I didn't cry on my WW journey when the scale went the wrong way. (OK I might've complained but I didn't cry.) 

I feel strong and healthy. I don't even hate my body or how I look. Getting this upset and obsessed is not my usual thing. What gives?

I lost it because in all the chaos I've been going through and the bad feeling of late I really needed the small victory of feeling in control of something. And I wanted desperately to be able to say - "it might all be falling to crap but I've got this thing!" But I didn't. And it really punched me in the gut. 

Not to mention that in the back of my "fat girl" mind I'm always worried about the slippery slope - the fear that a few pounds will somehow come back as a hundred.

Well. 

I went home, took a shower, put on some lipgloss and headed to NYC for a big meeting today.

I decided that it was OK to be up in weight. To be overwhelmed, to not necessarily have it all together. I'm doing the best I can at any given moment and that has to be good enough for me. 

I kind of got serious with myself. 152? REALLY. This is what is going to make you come undone? I mean talk about being silly. I decided to truly count my blessings. I'm such a lucky girl. I can't let the depression, the weight, the black cloud and mean girl voices rob me of my happiness. It's always going to be a challenge but I have to battle back. I can't give up. 

And on the way to the city the clouds began to lift and the sun began to come out. I started to feel better. 

I had a great meeting. Things were starting to turn in my favor. And then I got to the subway platform  for my return home, in time to see the doors to my train close. I had just missed it. My face must've said it all, as I thought, "Shit. Of course a day late and a dollar short again."

The conductor saw me and said, "Are you getting on this train?" I said "yes." And he opened the doors for me! If you've ever ridden a NYC subway, you know they do not do this. They do not reopen the doors once closed. I felt lucky.

He then came into the car and double checked that I was on the right train. I said thank you and he said, "Hey, no problem. You know, you shouldn't give up so easily."

I know this all sounds like it's straight out of some corny movie or episode of GIRLS - this stuff really doesn't happen but it happened to me. On this day of days that I needed to hear it the most. His words resonated with me.

He's right. I mean talk about the ultimate cliche. A door closed but another one opened. You just can't give up so easily.

XO

Jen

Getting it together

On the right - highest weight. Please Lord - never again

It just never gets easier.

When you have the audacity to start a blog and share your weight-loss journey with the world (or in my case, about 361 on/off followers) people look to you for advice, inspiration - the 'secrets' to success.

Well shit. The truth is, some days I just feel like a big-fat fraud. And fat being purposely used in this case.

My weight is up and has been up for months. Not obscenely so. My happy, "I want to be this weight forever weight" is right about 144/145 pounds but I've been stuck around 150 for months. And this month I have been flirting right around 151/152.  

at approx. my happy weight

I tell myself, 150 is not horrible. It's my 'official' Weight Watcher goal and technically I'm still a free 'lifetime' member since I've managed to continue to be within 2 pounds of goal. 

I tell myself - even though some of my clothing feels snug. They still fit.

I tell myself that "you know what to do."  And like a drug addict or alcoholic, "I can stop at any time right now I'm just a little extra hungry."  

But deep down I'm panicking. If I could let these 5/6 pounds come back and let them hang out for months - what about the next 2 or 3 pounds. And then the next 5/6 pounds. 

The alarmist in me praying that I don't suddenly wake up with 20 pounds to lose.

Not to mention that my running has been woeful lately too. Sure I've been traveling 2 weeks out of every month for business and when I'm not traveling I'm juggling work and family but deep down I know I can be better. I feel like the crappiest weight loss/running blogger in the world… (or at least on Blogger.) 

Why can't I get this together?

Well. I can get it together. I know I can. Years of counting calories/points and worrying about portion sizes made me weary of it all so I've been lax about it. Which I got away with when I was running 20- 30+ miles a week but now that my schedule has me running maybe 10 -15 miles a week (and lately, that would be a good week) I have to cut the crap.

I know where I can improve. I just have to do it.  

In my fraudulent state I got word yesterday that I made the 100 most influential weight loss bloggers of 2013.  I'm number 64. At first I felt a little uncomfortable. Like, "I don't deserve this. I'm struggling right now." 

But after thinking about it - I guess it's a nice thing. Some of the things in my blog (I think) has at least entertained people. And it's a personal challenge to live up to my 64th spot on the list! 

I guess it's never going to be easy. Some races are a struggle and some are smooth sailing. This is part of life. I have to just get back up and keeping moving forward. 

And my 4 point bowl of oatmeal was tasty.

How do you get back on track? 

XO

Jen

Just signed up for my first triathlon!!! Iron Girl Sandy Hook here I come!

Yeeeeehaaaa!

Whoooo hooooo!!

I did it, I did it, I did it. I signed up for my first triathlon!

Yippppp. Whoa. Wait a minute. I did what?

Um. I don't even have a bike or a place to swim or a training plan or really a clue of what I'm getting myself into.

Gulp.

I mean I did have this kinda "Tri" week. Remember? It was my first time on a bike in a loooong time and I wasn't the steadiest.

It's not the first time I've signed up for a race and went from exuberance to gripping fear. I mean it is how this blog started in the first place. Right? I felt the same gripping fear about running my first (only) marathon too.

But doing a tri is different. Training is different - there's water and wheels and transitions. Wetsuits and stuff. Lots and lots of stuff it seems.

I've been liking the idea of doing a triathlon for a very long time. I silently get a little jealous every time I see someone sporting a "swim, bike, run" sticker. I also have very good friends like Jen and Jason who do epic things like Ironman and Rev3 and even my friend Angela has made the leap.

You're gonna be mine!

So, when I pulled up to my Weight Watcher's meeting for my monthly weigh-in this past Saturday and saw an afore-mentioned sticker on someone's car, the slow burn of want began again.

As I stepped to the scale, I heard my weigher say to her co-worker - I'm so excited for my next triathlon. Oh. She was the owner of said sticker.

I looked down at my race tech tee from a previous half marathon, and said softly, "I've always wanted to do a tri." She looked at my tech tee and said, "if you can run half marathons, I bet you could do my favorite tri!"

She went on to tell me of the Iron Girl Triathlon in Sandy Hook, NJ scheduled to take place on September 8, 2013. She said it was AWESOME and welcoming to newbies. She said that I could even swim with a noodle and bike with training wheels if I had to (Uh, I'll be doing neither, for the record.) And went on and on about how wonderful of an event it was.

Best part? All girls. Which will be fun and take a little pressure off for the first time out. And is it wrong (don't answer this Jason) that I'm secretly a little giddy that it's called "Iron Girl?"

Some things are just fate.

I never go to WW on a Saturday morning and have never seen this weigher before. I wouldn't have signed up if it wasn't for this woman gushing but before I even heard the good news that I was down .4 pounds (and still steadily (barely) but steadily holding onto my weight loss goal and lifetime status) I knew in my heart of hearts that I was sold.

So I'll have to figure out a bike and swimming and the stuff.

I contacted the folks at Iron Girl and told them about my blog. They were super excited to hear I'll be documenting my training journey and get this - they are offering you, my darling readers, a coupon code to sign up too if you want to join me!

A coupon code! I feel so fancy.

You can save $10 off your registration by registering here and entering coupon code IGFINISHLINE

The event is a 1/2 mile swim / 10 mile bike ride / 3 mile run. Perfect amount of attainable and challenging for a first event I think.

Here's a video that shows the essence of the Iron Girl event:



So here goes nothing! I'll be blogging my journey. First up? I guess I need to get a bike of some sort.

XO
Jen

And the freak out continues

Ugh.

So I'm slightly freaking out.

I did state a bunch of goals the other day that I'm working on and so far so good -- even with a kid who came down with strep and had me sequestered to the house for 2 solid days. Set back but not out of the goal game completely. Managed to clean my kitchen and bedroom (those were the two that were bumming me out the most). Got in a little run and 10 minutes of strength training.

I have been tracking at Spark People, plus have hit my personal hydration goals for four days in a row.

a little good news

So humming along and then this. awful *WW weigh-in.

Well. My 'official' WW goal weight is 150 (but my personal happy weight is 144) I've been able to pretty much maintain right around that for the better part of two years. I thought I was flirting with 147.5 or so  (thus up 3.5 / 4 pounds that I had reported) but when I went for my monthly weigh in this morning the scale snarled, 151... WHAT? The highest I've been in 2 years and 1 dangerous pound away from having to pay for attending (Lifetime members don't ever have to pay unless they are 2 pounds above goal.)

How did this happen!? Now I will say that I weighed in wearing jeans, a sweater and post an oatmeal and coffee breakfast, so perhaps (if I'm lucky) I can knock off a pound for that... but still. It's still at least 2.5 pounds more than I expected. BOO.

I've been so careful this week with everything. This seriously bummed me out - and tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I'm not saying I'm going to be the worst eater ever, but it's my favorite holiday and I'm not planning on being the best either. I will run in the morning but, I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm still planning on indulging a bit (or a lot...) Oh for F$&* sake. It's so annoying.

By the way, and in other annoying news... (I counted the calories before you judge this decision) I have to tell you that I got stuck at work and needed to eat. I was starving and didn't have the food I usually have with me and got coerced into going to Taco Bell today. Now I've given up fast food 99% of the time -- not only am I striving for clean eating but with my gluten/dairy issues, there's usually nothing that will work for me.

So back to Taco Bell. I gave in to going with a co-worker based on this review I read by **a gluten-free blogger about the newish "Cantina Bowl." Her picture of the Cantina bowl was beautiful (I didn't expect it to be as fancy as hers, just kinda nice). If I was going to eat fast food, I thought it kinda looked OK and relatively healthy-ish. But here's my review: It was yucky, messy looking and skimpy.  It provided about a tsp. of guacamole, less than a 1/4th of a cup of beans and hardly any rice or pico de gallo.  I didn't put any dressing on it. I added steak to it and couldn't eat more than one piece of the meat because I found it so blech. But maybe that's just me. Serves me right for going to Taco Bell I guess. I used to LOVE that burrito supreme and nachos supreme in the day (you know, the day when I was 200+ pounds, cared less about 'clean' eating and had no clue of my gluten or dairy issues...) Sigh.

Anyway, a mess I still am but I'm hanging in the fight. I am freaked out about the scale but all I can do is work / try harder - I know T-day is gonna be a bit of a monkey wrench but it's just one long meal. I will have to deal. And no more Taco Bell.

XO
Jen

*I am tracking on Spark People because I like the calorie counting program. But like to keep my membership active at WW since it's free to do so, as long as I continue to weigh-in once a month.
** I'm not bagging on that blogger. She has a great site and Taco Bell did set her up with a fancy tasting of the new item at an undisclosed locale… I wasn't expecting that but found the whole thing underwhelming and disappointing...