Monday, August 1, 2011

Cruel Summer

Ugh. As Bananarama once said, It's a cruel, cruel summer...

This journey.

It's had its ups and downs.  It has ebbed and flowed I've reached miles run I've never thought possible and then, out of the blue, here I sit having been hit in the head with the "I don't wanna do nothing," followed by the "you see, you are a failure" punches.

If you know me, you know I've had a lot of issues with negative and limiting thoughts. I have come a long way. Lately, it's been much more challenging.

As if most of you didn't already think I was nuts, here's a sampling of the "inner dialogue" that's been taking place. I present to you:

Thanks Doc.
"The drama of the voices in my head"

Voice One: "You should run at least 6 miles today if you want to keep up your miles and that's being lenient. I'd like to see 8 really but I know you won't do it. So I'm cutting you a break."
Voice Two: "F-you, number one. It's hot, I'm stressed, I'm depressed. What I want to do with the ten seconds of free time I've mustered up is have a few cocktails, eat something awesome and maybe take a nap…"
Voice One: "You're gonna get fat again. You're a fraud. People look to you for inspiration. You are stotan! Get it together. Machines don't fall apart!"
Voice Two: "I can't hear you over the roar of the microwave!" "lalalalalalala-covering my ears" Pass the ketchup number one or get the hell out of my kitchen."
Voice Three: "Just run for 20 minutes… just do something… can't we all just get along? You don't have to run for 26 miles but do something… OK?"
Voice Two: "OK - I'll squeak out 20 minutes. But not a minute more and then I'm gonna order some beef and broccoli for the effort."
Voice One: "20 minutes? You're kidding me, you won't even burn the calories in the broccoli… keep fooling yourself, I give up. Good luck - don't come crying to me when you're shopping in plus sizes again."

So such has been the summer of insanity. Of battling the hot weather and the demons that have seemed to come from the firey hell of heat wave upon heat wave and the crazy people living in my head. Running on the treadmill is boring and running in the heat oppressive but that ain't nothing compared to the lull in motivation I've been experiencing lately.

I've tried to talk about it with friends but it's tough. They see me as someone who was training hard, now "looks great" and needs a bit of a break. I see myself as someone who is letting it all fall apart if I don't take action RIGHT NOW.

The good news (you know I'm always good for the "good news / bad news" analysis) is that I am feeling better as of this very second. I will run today. And it will probably be for more than 20 minutes. I am also feeling "OK" enough to even blog about it and talk to other running friends instead of continuing to bury my head in a carton of pork lo mein. I'm happy that I'm thinking about it and working at it and not giving up on myself. I may have slipped a little with food, I might be up a pound or five… I may not be marathon or even half marathon ready but I'm still 5K or 10K ready, down 90 pounds and have the opportunity to make today the first day of my running / overall life.

I should blog more often. It really is good therapy.

So today is a new day. I can't promise an 8 mile run but I can promise that I'm not gonna give up on myself.


PS: It might be a summer thing for me -- Looking back to around a year ago, it seems I had similar struggles.


Jason said...

Summer is tough for a myriad of reasons but it is these tough months that make Oct through April oh so worth it.

I looked at my times from exactly one year ago and I was struggling with my speed. Ran a 10min/mile pace on August 1st. I even emailed my coach to complain about my speed this year and then noticed that I ran an 8:22/mile pace yesterday. IMPROVEMENT!!!!

Keep on fighting the good fight. You have a village (might be of idiots) but you still have that village willing to help you.

The Skårtist said...

sounds like your voice two would totally hit it off with my voice 2. My voice 2 is the king of excuses -- My favorite recent voice 2 rational when I was trying to get up in the morning to swim: "It's too early and you know what? sleep will do you more good right now than exercise" -- ha ha and you know what? Voice 1 WAS apparently still asleep so Voice 2 totally won that argument and I went back to bed. But then I couldn't fall back to sleep. Should have just swam. Just have to try not to think and just do. Plan you week in advance and say this is what I'm going to run this week then stick to it. Don't leave it to the moment to decide when or how long to run. Even if you are not training, a plan will help keep you going!

Anonymous said...

Summers are hard. Period. Go with voice 3. You don't have to be hard core all the time, but you don't want to sink so far that the hole becomes really difficult to get out of. Forget the past, today is always a great day to start!!! Love ya, girl! (Seattle - June 2012?????????)

Unknown said...

I agree with Leslie. Voice 1 is a F*cking Bitch! I listened to her last night and went for a run at 9:00 pm because I had no time and it was hot. THEN I couldn't go to sleep until after midnight and woke up at 3:30. Stared at the ceiling for 2 hours then got up. I think taking lifestyle (or more accurately life's curve balls) and the elements into consideration is an overall healthier choice. It will be cooler in a month and you can lose 5 lbs quickly.

financecupcake said...

I'm sorry you're in a funk right now! I've been having some similar internal dialogue, and it sucks. Chin up, chica! You know you are capable of so much! Your body and mind are taking a little break from running, but you'll be back, stronger, in no time!

Anonymous said...

This summer is BRUTAL! It's so hard to be motivated to run when you feel like you are going to suffocate or die of heat stroke. My therapist used to tell me to try something for 10 minutes and then decide if I would follow through. Usually once I was 10 minutes in I would decide it was worth finishing whatever I was supposed to be doing. I still motivate myself the last mile by saying I can do anything for 10 minutes.

reluctantmomma said...

You still rock matter which voice you listen too...but it def. sounds like voice 2 has a thing for Chinese food:)

I wish you motivation. and I wish me to get this damn baby out so I can get motivated with you:)

8 more weeks:)