2011 Goals and reflections

A whole year has gone by and I'm still running. In fact, it'll be my two year running anniversary in February - I can't believe it. Words can't describe the gratitude I have for having found this lifestyle.

Anyhoo, I thought I'd pull up my "running goals" from last year and here is how it broke down:

1. Reach and maintain my goal weight - CHECK. In fact it will by one year at goal weight in January - WOO-friggen-hoo, go me.
2. Stop beating myself up when it comes to running - no more feeling "not good enough," "not worthy enough," "not fast enough..." There will always be someone faster, younger and thinner. Good for them. And there will always be someone slower, older and fatter. Good for me. - CHECK? I think I've done much better with this and have even curbed my need to follow my "speedier" workouts with the words, "for me." 
3. I will take more time to enjoy the journey - even the treadmill part - CHECK. I feel like I really have enjoyed the journey and have even grown to appreciate the treadmill.
   
4. I will find a better balance. I think so. ;)
5. I will learn more about the actual "mechanics" of running. I don't know what Fartlek's are and "splits" aren't so clear either. There's lots of training terms that sound techy and make me want to take a nap but I should learn the runner-speak if this is the sport I'm committing to.  FAIL.  I still have no idea what a Fartlek is. I think I kinda get splits though - like if my first mile is 10 min mile and my second is a 9:45 min mile… that's a good thing split wise.
6. I will "pay it forward" more in the new year - I've been blessed with so much support, love and friendship in this running world - I hope to give the same to others.  CHECK. I feel like I've made an effort to be involved in the blogging/twitter/facebook world of newbie and fellow runners alike.

So all in all a pretty great running year.  I've gotta start getting some goals together for 2012 - Will post within the next few days.

Some more 2011 highlights:

First full marathon 

I've increased my speed. My average pace is now a sub 11min. mile (usually around 10'something) This is happy-happy.

I had great PR's for my half marathon (two sub 2:30 halfs) and an awesome 5K at 28:48.

I ran my first marathon in June.

I started to take this blog a little more seriously and have grown a little twitter following and even a Facebook page.

I made it thru a few flus and a twisted ankle and still maintained my connection to running and fitness - notable as I usually let things slide when faced with adversity.

I got my hubby to run his first 5K.

I even had a mini running streak of over a month when I declared I shall 'leave no mile behind.'

How'd you do this past year? What are some of your goals for the new year?

XO

Jen

More on training and relationship straining

The laundry clearly suffers

This has been my "running" theme lately - the need to find balance for work, family and running.

When I signed up for a full marathon, I wasn't prepared at how much the training meant rocking the boat in other areas of my life. I knew I would be running more, but I forgot to factor where that time was going to come from. I figured, I'd get up early and put in the miles. No sweat… (well lots of sweat but you know what I mean.)

Up to this point in my life it's always been a war against myself. Finding the motivation, the desire to leave a warm bed, turn off the TV or drop whatever else. Exercise was something I should be doing and at the time, didn't want to and that's why the marathon train/strain was such a shocker to me. I mean, I'm not going out to party with friends, shop 'til I drop or spend a day at the beach… I'm running on a crummy treadmill at the gym. I would've never figured that this activity could change my day so much.

Let's face it, training for these endurance events takes time and inevitably, someone or something suffers. It might be your work or home life. It could be your homework if you are in school, your sleep time, seeing friends or your other hobbies - but inevitably, something gets affected for better or worse. 

When one decides to do this kind of "life changing" bucket list type thing - no one ever really talks about the other part of it, the sacrifice that others will need to make for you, whether they are ready or not. And others do make sacrifices, whether we want to admit it or not. Well, at least in my case.

I spoke about my hubby last week grumbling about my running and when I did, I'm sorry it seemed harsh. I really don't blame him for being less than thrilled with all this running. All things considered, he's actually pretty supportive.  I can't say I wouldn't be the one grumbling if the running shoe was on the other foot. I'm working through it, still looking for as much "fair" and balanced time as possible. As the weather warms and the sun comes up earlier, I believe it'll get a bit easier.

It's not to say that I regret signing up for the marathon or that I'll quit. I'm glad that I've got running and without it - nothing else would be right. I suffer with depression and anxiety, running helps keep both at bay. I come up with some of my best ideas while running. I know that I wouldn't be persevering to get any miles in if I didn't have a big finish line dangling. 

I ran across this Wall Street journal article this morning, A Workout Ate My Marriage - it was an article about "exercise widows" and really spoke to what happens when one person in the relationship is an endurance racer. I appreciated this article because it really spoke to me.  

Can you relate to this?

So far this week, I ran 10 miles on Monday morning (instead of 14 - TOO BUSY!) and last night 3 miles instead of 7 (FAMILY TIME!) I hate missing the miles but I'm trying to ebb and flow, here. I read another article last week - I think it was from active.com (wish I bookmarked it) but it said that rarely a marathoner feels fully trained - we all hit bumps in the roads or miss a few miles along the way. That gave me comfort to keep going forward despite not always being perfectly on course. 

I am still trying to figure it all out - all we can do is our best - "shoot for the moon… land amongst the stars…" and all that jazz. 

XO

Jen

For better or worse - I am a runner

I feel 100% better than I did a few days ago and want to thank you guys for taking the time to help me get thru the rough patches.

I always question whether I should write about the crappy moments here because, so many people tell me they look to this blog for inspiration and who gets inspired by hearing someone moan about stuff?  

I ultimately decide to share it because I feel like it's an important part of the journey. 

It's the part of the journey that if I don't talk about, A) it could hold me back and I desperately need to release. B) you guys give excellent support/feedback and advice and C) talking about it could possibly make someone else not feel alone when things don't go perfect or when they feel like they are failing.

And thru reflecting on the rough patch and taking to heart what a lot of you guys said I've come up with a big epiphany. I have changed. Big time. In every way.

When I was training for the half, it was cute. "The big girl trudging along trying to prove the impossible. Good for her." But in that process, a different person emerged. One who has more confidence, who embraces fitness, good health, sets AND achieves big dreams.  Many people will like this new Jen, some won't and some will need some time to get used to her.

A year ago when I started, I was a plus size girl who (on paper) was a better time -I'd slug down the shot with you, split the pizza, give you my time. Now, the shots are fewer ("Sorry, long run day tomorrow!") "Pizza? Is it my birthday? How about a little whole wheat pasta?" and "my time? What time?" And while I don't think anyone would say, "please go back to a size 16" - I'm a different person to get used to. I remember when I quit smoking, I had the same feeling where my smoking buddies were "kinda" happy for me but could sense they missed their smoking buddy.

And here's the good news about change.  I used to quit. I used to believe that a bad day/ or a bad week of feeling like I was failing would mean I WAS a failure. I would throw in the towel, say things like, "you see? Why bother?" A bad day like the other day would have me tailspin out of control and reaching for a Chinese menu faster than you could say egg foo yung.  

Now, when those days/weeks happen - I write, I think, I whine but I don't give up.  Ultimately, I shake it off. I fall down and I get back up again, I have faith that the sun will come out tomorrow - and it does.  This is big stuff. I'm rolling with the punches, I'm learning to do the best I can (and on days where it allows, better than my best) and on days that are tough, even accepting less than my best.

I will have those days again and rest assured, I will share the good, the bad and the ugly - but isn't that what all journey's are about? 

If running & training for a marathon were easy - everyone would do it.  It's not supposed to be easy.  This is my dream and no one is allowed to take it from me. I will do my best to be a good wife/mom/employee/bizpartner/sister/friend/marathontrainer/blogger - this new person is just having some growing pains, figuring out how to let it all fall into place and how to put the new puzzle together.   It might take some time but I'll get there.

XO

Jen

PS: Oh yeah. I ran today - 6.2 miles in 1:06 and a 10:35 pace - the first few miles I ran easy but really kicked up the last 3 - running mostly sub 10! WOW a look back at the first time I ever ran five miles in my life can be found here -  it's really cool to see the progress. That was last March - not only am I way faster but 5 miles is an "easier" run for me now a days… I love running.

Momma said there'd be days (weeks?) like this...

You should be warned. This isn't gonna be pretty. I'm in a seriously crappy mood.

Deep breath.

I am losing it. This winter is definitely kicking my ass.

I am having a very hard time getting my miles in for this marathon training. The snow, the icy roads, the short days, launching a business, being responsible for 8-10 blog a day/7 days a week for my little blogging job that pays the bills, being a mom to a special needs toddler and trying to be a decent wife is taking its toll.

I am starting to struggle.

I feel guilty that I'm not getting the miles in and I feel even guiltier when I do get the miles in. Here's a perfect example from this morning, I was going to run seven miles early to knock a few out (I'm still behind for the week as yesterday and Monday my son was home sick all day.) As I'm trying to get out, it starts snowing hard and my husband makes a snide comment about me, "being so busy, but having time to run… I guess you have your priorities…" UGH. I feel like I'm doing nothing right. I can't be mad at him because he does sacrifice for my running via not so clean of a house or backed-up laundry. Things do drop. Don't take his comment the wrong way, he's not alone, I get that vibe from most of my friends and family that my running (especially since it's so much for a marathon) is an unnecessary luxury that's just cutting out my time from doing "important things…" I can't even figure out how to make the argument that this is something that's important to me. No one really gets it, "can't you run a few miles here and there to stay in shape? Why do have to run for 2 or 3 hours?" And it's hard to have a good enough reason for non-runners who have expectations of you.  And what if they are right?

So now, I feel like I can't win. If I run, I'm a selfish jerk. If I don't run, I'm failing myself and something I really want to do. It's making me feel crappy all around.

For the record, I only got 3 miles in this morning because the snow was coming down fast and the roads were getting bad… My car is a crapmobile in these conditions and I didn't want to risk getting stuck and yes, the guilt of my full plate probably pushed me off the treadmill a little faster too.

I'm hoping that as the snow melts away and the days get longer, maybe things will even out. Maybe I'll be able to run at a time that doesn't interfere with anyone else. Right now, I can't get out before 7:30 because of my son.

If it counts for anything, I did manage a 12 mile long run this past Sunday… on the TREADMILL! I was hell bent to do it.  According to NIKE+ it was my fastest 10K time too. That was a nice little boost.

I have 14 this weekend to squeeze in - I'm hoping it's not slippery out so I can take it out to the streets… (12 on the tread did kind of suck). I'm also hoping that the selfish 3 hours I'll need to take won't piss anyone off too much.

San Diego Bling

By the way, here is a little motivation for me to hang on to the dream- a sneak peek at the San Diego RNR medal…

I'm sorry for the whine - there's not really many people I can "talk" to about this.

XO

Jen