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OK that's a little bit dramatic but that's how my brain works. And that statement keeps rolling around in my head like a bowling ball bouncing off bumpers... and with those words a slow panic keeps threatening to rise, and other even scarier thoughts of plus-sizes, pigging out, depression and being out of control start their way drifting in too.
Even though I'm getting better at silencing those thoughts and shutting up those voices. It's still hard.
I've been a bit in denial, but, it's true, I'm up in weight. Not terribly so, but still.
I could feel it in the waist of my pants.
See it on my hips and belly.
Felt it as I huffed and puffed a previous run (which felt like it should've been a 9'45 pace or so but was only a 10'20).
And finally had it confirmed on the scale.
I've been drifting upwards for the last 3 months. A pound here. A pound there. Now I'm just shy of being up five pounds.
I hear scoffing and eye rolling happening all over the place but before you give me the, "it's only five pounds" speech, let me tell you this -- as a former yo-yo dieter, all of my previous "regaining of the weight" (and when I talk about regaining weight I have regained 30, 40, 60+ pounds in my life) started with just five pounds.
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| I'm on right - at my heaviest... |
But here is what is different this time. I am going to silence those voices of failure because now I know that I won't fail this time. And I don't hesitate for one hot second to say that.
I just have to go back to the tool box.
Yes. I have tools. Tools like exercising, this blog, fellow friends and fellow bloggers for support. I have Etools from Weight Watchers and I'm going to use that as well as my journal and the community at Spark People. I might make time for a WW meeting again. I always loved the support I found there and relied heavily on them for most of my weight loss journey. I've only stopped going regularly because I started running with the Moms In Motion on Saturday mornings (during my meeting time) so maybe I just have to find another meeting.
I'm still within goal at Weight Watchers and that is good. My WW goal weight is 150. My personal goal is 144 and I'm now sitting at 148.6. Again, I know the number might not be that scary to you but it scares the shit out of me.
But this time I'm not going to let five pounds become more. I will keep my head out of the sand and my eyes on the prize.
Besides, I have to keep my weight down if I want to do a triathlon. Those wetsuits are pretty tight!
Does weight gain freak you out? What's the biggest tool you use to keep things in check?
XO
Jen
13 comments:
I read a book called "Wheat Belly" and it gave a pretty good argument for why even seasoned triathletes and marathoners have weight issues. Something about eating all this whole wheat and it actually being bad for us. I don't know how I feel about it, but you might wanna check it out since you said you're eating lots of whole grains.
I've put on five pounds myself recently, which kills me b/c I'm in the middle of training for my first marathon... I'm like, 'what in the world??' But all this extra running is making me SO hungry, I guess it's working against me. Ugh! What's a girl to do, but keep on trying...
Thanks for your constant inspiration! :)
Thanks, Jaime - I live gluten free thanks to a sensitivity so my whole grains are limited to oatmeal in the morning and quinoa or brown rice with a meal… I don't think its the grain but more the portions - now that I'm paying attention I am realizing that instead of a quarter of an avocado, I can easily eat 3/4 of an avocado - or instead of a serving of Quinoa, I usually do more. Those things are healthy but caloric. And if I'm eating more than I burn. Well… ya know.
I think I need to cut back on alcohol too. Got mighty used to having wine or a martini a few nights a week. Totally empty calories (as much as I enjoy them!)
Thanks again for the comment and good luck with your marathon - that's very exciting :-)
Good for you for nipping it in the bud and getting out your tools while it is still a manageable gain. I am in exactly the same boat myself at the moment and reading your post gave me just the motivation I need to do the same thing. I have been in denial!
I am a lifetimer at WW too and have been attending meetings once a week since they started these new Newsletters with the PP2012 plan. Love them.
I am going to weigh Sept 1, just barely under my goal of 150 which is almost 10 lb more than my personal happy weight.
We can do this!
I am also newly G-F by the way and found that since giving it up and most grains as well, that I don't have those carb cravings anymore at all.
Alchohol? yea, me too... The wine has got to go for a while. Sigh.
I am in the exact same boat right now! I worked 48 hours a week all summer with a long commute and had a lot of fun things going on on weekends (which of course involved lots of delicious food). I felt like I had NO time for anything, and fought to get in the exercise I wanted/needed.
Last weekend I was up 8 pounds from my goal weight--5 from what I consider acceptable. Yet I came back to work for my school-year job and had people telling me I was "skinnier than ever" and one person even said she was happy to see me eating! They just haven't seen me in 2 months.
My pants are definitely tighter and I just don't feel comfortable right now, but if I told anyone I want/need to lose 5 pounds, they'd say I was crazy or that I was "obsessed" or imply that I had an eating disorder. Even my husband rolled his eyes when I said I wanted to lose 3-4 pounds before the cruise we are going on in a couple of weeks (and I'm sure a cruise will help...)
I KNOW I'm not *fat* at this weight, but I can't just let 5 pounds be okay--it's a slippery slope and I'm TERRIFIED that I will gain it all back after so much hard work!
Now that I'm back on a less crazy work schedule, I am going back to being more mindful about what goes in my mouth and making better choices. I don't like doing it, but counting calories really does get me back on track usually. I sometimes threaten myself that I'll have to count calories again if I can't manage to eat reasonably this week on my own. I only count for a week or two at a time usually, just to get myself out of the habit of mindless snacking and back into portion-control mode.
Your timing is pretty remarkable: Yesterday was my birthday, and one-too-many bourbons later I got on the scale after working out this morning and was upset at the number it read... for a minute.
Like you, I am terrified of ever "getting fat again" -- I have lost 50lbs through eating smart and exercising, and I never want to go back down that road. I know in my mind that I likely never will -- and you do, too -- but somehow those little ticks up on the scale momentarily make us forget that, or panic, or worse.
You have the tools to stay healthy, fit, and in shape, and so do I. We have the self-awareness to realize the weight gain is happening, the knowledge to know that it's happening for a reason, and the strength and determination to nip it in the bud.
We can do this: Let's kiss those five pesky pounds goodbye!
I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning after a really fun night at my niece's wedding (read: PINOT GRIGIO!). 10 pounds more than my lowest weight. Not panicking, just very aware and making changes. You've got this!
Jen, It is hard for people to understand who haven't had to fight the battle of the bulge why a 5 lbs. gain is a big deal. BUT IT IS - and that you recognize that is an indication of the lifestyle change you have made! GOOD FOR YOU!
I haven't made it that far in my journey - I am a weekly yo-yo...I have so much weight to lose and I think that making the lifetime commitment I clearly have to make just gets the best of me sometimes.
Anyway, you are awesome, your story is fantastic and you help me remember that this can be done!
I was just thinking the same thing... Since race day in Maine I have been eating nonstop..however vacation will be over soon and I'll be back on track. I guess no more glazed croissants or soda for me after Monday. And can't wait to see your progression to a triathlete..
I do get freaked out by weight gain and that is because I am a control freak and that is part of the problem.
I need to learn to let go and move on.
Perfect example is I weighed 150 lbs when I got home from Maine and when I weighed myself Wed AM.
I weighed 144 lbs this morning before my workout and feeling back to normal. I knew I would put on weight in ME because I did not have my usuals with me and being on vacation, etc and I also learned that I did not have to be in full control.
I did not have it up there but as soon as I got home I gained that control and focused my eating.
The one thing I never felt was guilt. It happened and I picked myself up and moved on.
Yes, weight gain freaks me out like nothing else. And I am in a really bad place with that right now. I was already gaining weight and then just getting sick and going in the hospital made it even worse. I will get better though - and work on things like weight loss and running again.
I just want you to know that you are an inspiration to me everyday. I admire your honesty when talking about difficult things like weight and self-esteem and failure. I learn a lot from you. Don't ever forget that you inspire others to reach for the stars (and their dreams) by little things like your blog! You are an amazing woman and I am so happy to know you! Thanks for being an inspiration to ME! I have every confidence you will take control again and reach YOUR goal!! :)
Thank you all for such thoughtful comments. Clearly, we are in this together! :-) Leave it to you guys to strengthen my resolve even more.
I am happy that I'm a different person now, ensconced in a lifestyle, educated with nutrition (real nutrition instead of falling victim to 100 cal packs, clever marketing and fat free fake foods) and consistently exercising and running.
I can't say that I won't ever have weight swings but I'm pretty sure I am equipped to handle them now.
You are smart. Once I hit maintenance, I am going to be like this. I think this is how people who maintain a good weight do it. They pay attention!! They notice when they gain a few pounds and they handle it right then. Unlike me who lets it get out of control before doing something about it. This is probably the key to maintaining our weight. Being aware. I think it is awesome that you are so self aware!!
Good for you for getting on top of things before your weight became completely out of control. I'm now tracking calories on My Fitness Pal, but back when I was attending WW meetings I remember thinking some pretty rotten thoughts about people with only a few pounds to lose.
I would look at the people coming into a WW meeting with 5 or 10 lbs. to lose and think, "Why are THEY here?". But then one day it hit me; they are obviously smarter than me because after I lost all the weight (AGAIN) I just turned around and gained it all back (AGAIN)....and then some. If I would've went back to keeping track of my food choices and weighing in regularly I might not be in this position for the 10th+ time.
Right now, I am the girl that is still heavy and trying to become a runner. I don't want the seasoned runners looking at me as if I don't belong in a pair of running shoes, so how can I look at a person with a small amount to lose like they don't belong at a WW meeting?
I felt ashamed and realized I had been looking at weight loss all wrong. That realization put things into a different perspective for me. For the me who is losing now and the me that will eventually be at the place where I have to keep a close eye on the creeping back of 5 measly pounds!
I truly applaud you for keeping yourself in check!
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