You should be warned. This isn't gonna be pretty. I'm in a seriously crappy mood.
Deep breath.
I am losing it. This winter is definitely kicking my ass.
I am having a very hard time getting my miles in for this marathon training. The snow, the icy roads, the short days, launching a business, being responsible for 8-10 blog a day/7 days a week for my little blogging job that pays the bills, being a mom to a special needs toddler and trying to be a decent wife is taking its toll.
I am starting to struggle.
I feel guilty that I'm not getting the miles in and I feel even guiltier when I do get the miles in. Here's a perfect example from this morning, I was going to run seven miles early to knock a few out (I'm still behind for the week as yesterday and Monday my son was home sick all day.) As I'm trying to get out, it starts snowing hard and my husband makes a snide comment about me, "being so busy, but having time to run… I guess you have your priorities…" UGH. I feel like I'm doing nothing right. I can't be mad at him because he does sacrifice for my running via not so clean of a house or backed-up laundry. Things do drop. Don't take his comment the wrong way, he's not alone, I get that vibe from most of my friends and family that my running (especially since it's so much for a marathon) is an unnecessary luxury that's just cutting out my time from doing "important things…" I can't even figure out how to make the argument that this is something that's important to me. No one really gets it, "can't you run a few miles here and there to stay in shape? Why do have to run for 2 or 3 hours?" And it's hard to have a good enough reason for non-runners who have expectations of you. And what if they are right?
So now, I feel like I can't win. If I run, I'm a selfish jerk. If I don't run, I'm failing myself and something I really want to do. It's making me feel crappy all around.
For the record, I only got 3 miles in this morning because the snow was coming down fast and the roads were getting bad… My car is a crapmobile in these conditions and I didn't want to risk getting stuck and yes, the guilt of my full plate probably pushed me off the treadmill a little faster too.
I'm hoping that as the snow melts away and the days get longer, maybe things will even out. Maybe I'll be able to run at a time that doesn't interfere with anyone else. Right now, I can't get out before 7:30 because of my son.
If it counts for anything, I did manage a 12 mile long run this past Sunday… on the TREADMILL! I was hell bent to do it. According to NIKE+ it was my fastest 10K time too. That was a nice little boost.
I have 14 this weekend to squeeze in - I'm hoping it's not slippery out so I can take it out to the streets… (12 on the tread did kind of suck). I'm also hoping that the selfish 3 hours I'll need to take won't piss anyone off too much.
By the way, here is a little motivation for me to hang on to the dream- a sneak peek at the San Diego RNR medal…
I'm sorry for the whine - there's not really many people I can "talk" to about this.
Deep breath.
I am losing it. This winter is definitely kicking my ass.
I am having a very hard time getting my miles in for this marathon training. The snow, the icy roads, the short days, launching a business, being responsible for 8-10 blog a day/7 days a week for my little blogging job that pays the bills, being a mom to a special needs toddler and trying to be a decent wife is taking its toll.
I am starting to struggle.
I feel guilty that I'm not getting the miles in and I feel even guiltier when I do get the miles in. Here's a perfect example from this morning, I was going to run seven miles early to knock a few out (I'm still behind for the week as yesterday and Monday my son was home sick all day.) As I'm trying to get out, it starts snowing hard and my husband makes a snide comment about me, "being so busy, but having time to run… I guess you have your priorities…" UGH. I feel like I'm doing nothing right. I can't be mad at him because he does sacrifice for my running via not so clean of a house or backed-up laundry. Things do drop. Don't take his comment the wrong way, he's not alone, I get that vibe from most of my friends and family that my running (especially since it's so much for a marathon) is an unnecessary luxury that's just cutting out my time from doing "important things…" I can't even figure out how to make the argument that this is something that's important to me. No one really gets it, "can't you run a few miles here and there to stay in shape? Why do have to run for 2 or 3 hours?" And it's hard to have a good enough reason for non-runners who have expectations of you. And what if they are right?
So now, I feel like I can't win. If I run, I'm a selfish jerk. If I don't run, I'm failing myself and something I really want to do. It's making me feel crappy all around.
For the record, I only got 3 miles in this morning because the snow was coming down fast and the roads were getting bad… My car is a crapmobile in these conditions and I didn't want to risk getting stuck and yes, the guilt of my full plate probably pushed me off the treadmill a little faster too.
I'm hoping that as the snow melts away and the days get longer, maybe things will even out. Maybe I'll be able to run at a time that doesn't interfere with anyone else. Right now, I can't get out before 7:30 because of my son.
If it counts for anything, I did manage a 12 mile long run this past Sunday… on the TREADMILL! I was hell bent to do it. According to NIKE+ it was my fastest 10K time too. That was a nice little boost.
I have 14 this weekend to squeeze in - I'm hoping it's not slippery out so I can take it out to the streets… (12 on the tread did kind of suck). I'm also hoping that the selfish 3 hours I'll need to take won't piss anyone off too much.
 |
| San Diego Bling |
I'm sorry for the whine - there's not really many people I can "talk" to about this.
XO
Jen
17 comments:
BIG HUGS! As s a single mother and a grad student, I'm struggling a lot right now, too. I had to skip my run last night because I had so much homework, and I feel guilty when I do run, even though I only run when Ramsey is asleep. Balancing all of this is TOUGH. Keep truckin' mama. Running keeps us sane.
Thanks, Christina xo - it helps to know that we all go thru it. Just gonna keep doing the best I can and hope that I'll be trained enough to go the distance when it counts.
you
are
awesome.
there will be weeks like this. yes. they. suck.....hard.
Oh & on that little guilt thing.....
"I feel guilty that I'm not getting the miles in and I feel even guiltier when I do get the miles in." amen to ALL of that.
I. get. it.
All I know.......is that when you are happy --- your home will be happy. Do what you need to do to get to THAT happy.
hang. in. there.
hugs from AZ.
thanks for being real. its not always a walk in the park balancing your own personal needs and goals with other responsibilities. its even more challenging when you feel pressed by others to "give in" a little. i applaud your efforts, girl, and i say just do the best you can. if you don't get all the miles in this week, just move on and maybe next week will be better. if not, well. . .just keep plugging on. you'll get there even if its not the time frame you were hoping for. good luck, honey :)
That sucks when you are tying to do something good for yourself (and ultimately your family) and no one understands. I have 3 kids, a husband who works a million hours and no family here, I understand. I often can't do any races/runs on the weekends. Just keep plugging on, telling yourself your health and sanity will be the BEST for your family. You have come so far, keep on going!
I'm so sorry! You're making an investment in your physical and mental health by running. It sucks that they don't understand that. Don't feel bad about trying to improve yourself, but also don't feel bad when life gets in the way of running.
The other day, my boyfriend made a comment about me "wasting so much money on running and working out". I was so surprised. Of all the things I spend money on, improving my health (to me) is NOT one of the areas where I want to cut corners. Some people don't understand. Unfortunately, I'm afraid when they do understand-- it will be because they regret not taking better care of themselves when they were younger!
would you like me to come over and give your husband a little quick in the butt?
no scoring husband points there.....
hang in there dear!
I think you are amazing for running 12 freaking miles on the treadmill!!! that is fantastic.
be proud
see the positive.
Thanks everyone - your comments mean a lot to help keep me in it. It makes me feel better already.
I'm not meaning to make my hubby sound like the bad guy - he's a fantastic hubby and an outstanding Dad who also has sooo much on his plate - and sacrifices a lot for me, so I don't want to beat him up over his frustrations… If he wasn't such a great guy, I wouldn't feel so guilty about the time away.
In all honesty, I'm not sure how any parent gets ANYthing done. As a footloose and fancy free single, I can barely get my own stuff done with all the hours I work so I can't even fathom having to do any extra on top of it. Hats off to everyone who has so much to juggle.
Can you run before the rest of the house gets up? Yeah, I know that sounds horrible but if you gotta get it in, ya gotta get it in. Maybe sell something of value to pay for help with the housework (or whatever)?
Keep your chin up! It's wonderful and worth the sacrifice to have goals, especially big ones!
Thanks Karen - Well the house gets up at 5:30AM - foiled again with a little early riser - and I don't live in the safest place to run before or after the sun anyway. I'm hoping that once we get a little sunlight earlier and Ben gets in a better routine, I can manage getting out earlier.
Selling stuff for cleaning help isn't a bad idea. I have to look around and take that into consideration. :)
Hey friend....it is hard there is no doubt about it but as EMZ said a happy you makes a happy home and your husband and friends will realize that soon enough as well.
I do have one question for you, and that revolves around this:
"important things…"
What is more important than YOUR dreams and happiness? You reaching your goal will be so beneficial to all your friends and family because of the confidence boost you will get from it.
I am always here for you so feel free to contact me at anytime.
The sun will shine tomorrow and you will have another chance to make the day great and then keep that ball rolling.
Don't get down on yourself. Having a special needs child i am sure causes some stress in the household and that is probably what caused your hubby's outburst. He is prob thinking Jen is taking 2-3 hrs a day or every other day for herself. Maybe he is jealous. But i totally agree with you that people don't understand it. If you were a professional athlete i bet no one would question anything. Instead they see it as a hobby. If this is what makes you happy, DO YOU!
Oh Jen I am sorry things are not going well. I am impressed with your ability to be so real on your blog. But I understand where your are coming from. It is so hard to be a mom, and a wife, and work, and take time for yourself. It is a constant struggle and it is so hard to find the right balance without feeling like a failure at it all. There are days when I feel like all of the balls I have been trying to juggle are all about to drop. Hang in there!
Girl - I read your post the other day and made a note to myself when I could get to a real computer (not my phone) that I needed to reply... so listen up... (or not... LOL!!!)
First, you started marathon training super early. You have plenty of time. You were smart, you allowed yourself some time for hiccups. Everyday is a new day to start. For the record, I won't even start training for this marathon officially until mid-February so you are a million miles ahead of me. And you completely did the right thing... getting in the 7. I say, take every mile you can get, any way you can get it. Sure, splitting runs isn't ideal, but if you have to do it to make it work, then do it. You have got this. I picked this marathon because YOU picked this marathon. I cannot wait to be part of this experience with you. So get out there girl and do this. Everyone talks about how hard marathons are, but it's not the race... the 5 hours. Sure it's hard, but what's really hard is the hours and hours of running.
As for the walls that seems to be coming up with some of the others... I know many would tell you to just blow them off, that this is for YOU, and you deserve to do something for you. Which is half right... you totally deserve this opportunity to achieve YOUR goal. Something that will be about Jen Roe and her triumph over the old version that no longer exists. BUT, I say if the relationships are important to you (particularly your husband), this is the time to set aside some time to sit down and really tell him heart-to-heart why this is important to you, how much it means to you, and ask his support. But it's a give and take, and if that means sometimes you only get in 7 miles, that's what happens (coming from a woman who has to coordinate her runs with her hubby's work AND tennis schedule). I think the day you cross that finish line will be so much sweeter if you iron all this out now so you don't have any hidden feelings of guilt or whatever. And he might just need to hear it, straight-up...
You are not alone girl... not at all...
And uh, isn't that medal rockin'??? WE are going to EARN that. And it won't be easy... and that's what makes it sweet.
You guys are really the best. I appreciate the support / advice and feedback from you so much, you have no idea. I'll make it. Thanks very much for listening to my melt down moments...
As the "runner" who inspired Jen to start this journey and a friend that's in awe of her accomplishments I feel obligated to defend Marty and the other side (of which I'm also on.)
Being Jennifer's business partner, I've had to put my own running on the sideline. We made a commitment to each other (and several other people) in 2009 to start a production company. Serious sacrifices were made by all. None more than Jennifer and her husband who literally sold their house for the business. We are at a turning point right now which unfortunately demands 60+ hour work weeks. Deadlines for pitch meetings, talent we've made promises to, etc. cause a three ring circus and we're all constantly playing catch up.
I literally made myself sick for 3 weeks trying to decide if and how I should talk to Jen about MY resentment of her running when I was here in LA working until 2:00 in the morning while she was getting all her training in. When I finally said something I was not met with a shred of defensiveness. Had the tables been turned I would not have reacted so maturely. Jennifer is truly one of the most amazing people I've ever met and I'm blessed to have her as a friend and business partner.
She will cross that finish line. Perhaps feeling fully trained, perhaps not. But she will do it. And there will be plenty more races in the future for her to improve her time if she's not in the top shape she planned on. I'll be there, the one cheering the loudest, because I've decided I can only manage the half this time.
Jen - thanks for everything. I love you!
Angela
Angela -- XO thank you I love you too --
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