When you feel more like running away than actually running...

I like this quote

Back to life, back to reality... back to freezing temps and snow.

I have returned to Jersey and hopefully back to being on track.

And, I have good news and I have bad news.

Between all the yucky weather here in Jersey and being away for business for a week - my training is getting all out of whack. I'm a play by the rules gal, so being off course is tricky for me.

So, the bad news, I've been "off" the last week or so. I've not done my "official" long runs in two weeks (two weeks ago because it snowed and I did 6 miles in lieu of 10, and this past Sunday where I did 7 miles in lieu of 14... eeks.)

This past Sunday's long run was just too tough to squeeze the whole thing in. I made a choice to go out on Saturday night and have fun with friends, rendering me a nice little hangover for Sunday morning. I am happy that I got 7 miles in at least. The other piece to my decision in not doing the full 14, is, it's over 3 hours of running for me and would not only cut out half the morning but it would leave me pretty beat for the rest of the day. I was away in Cali with a friend and we had a full day planned - I didn't want to screw up someone else's time because I would want to nap and ice down all afternoon.

To boot, I also ran less than I was prescribed for the entire week. Bleh.

I guess that's the bad news. I am feeling behind in training and fighting feelings of failure and incompleteness.  These feelings are making me feel a little down and unmotivated - they are trying to eat away at my confidence and have me questioning my decision on marathon training - which ultimately makes me question the whole marathon decision from the get go.

Which has always been my problem.  The extremes. I'm a 100% or nothing. I've always been black or white. On or off. I've come a long way in navigating this issue in my diet - I no longer feel like it's gotta be a plain salad or a cheeseburger deluxe - I can find a happy medium, a balance. It's a lot of the reason why I've finally found some success in weight loss. I can roll with the food punches a little easier now.

Now I just have to do the same with running and even training.

The irony - I'm not that far behind in training (in fact I started training early to give myself wiggle room in case of injury/illness/or life). I'm not as "off" as I feel in the grand scheme of things. It's my own internal criticisms I have to face down and get past.

So, the good news - I am fighting those feelings and trying to work thru them rather than surrender. I realize that no one is perfect and my success lies in working thru tough times and accepting that sometimes things will be a little off. Life happens. One or even two crappy weeks of half training doesn't mean I give up.

And despite the obstacles, I did do something this week. I could've blown off Sunday all together but I didn't - I did seven miles which is seven more than I would've done at one time in my life. My first instinct was to actually not do anything. Paralyzed by the thought of not being able to do the full 14, I really was going to skip the whole thing until I thought it out. 7 is better than nothing - in fact just one mile would've been better than nothing...

A few other days where I had meetings and could only do a few miles (like Monday I could only squeeze in 2 instead of the 3) is also good news. Again, I didn't just give up, I found a way to do something. I am pleased that I'm hanging in there and still finding a way to run some miles even if it's not as many as "I should". I'm working thru the "all or nothing" mentality that has paralyzed me in the past.

Now lets not kid ourselves, it's a slippery slope of making excuses and patting yourself on the back for "at least doing something," it's going to be a struggle for me - to keep balance, keep on course and remain in the game.

I guess I can take only take it one day at a time. Today I did four miles - I would've liked to do more but I have a crap load of stuff to do and I had to sacrifice a few miles. Maybe tomorrow I'll run more. I gotta get a 12 mile long run in tomorrow or Saturday, despite another storm and freezing temps coming... it may have to be long run on a treadmill or outside or a combo of both.

Either way, I'm learning how to not throw in the towel so quickly. Not to assume an imperfect week means that I'm not "good enough" - it just means I might have to work harder somewhere else.

XO
Jen

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