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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Day 8 - 137 days to go - looking straight ahead

Today I wasn't going to run since I ran yesterday but I decided to do a little twenty minute run anyway.  It felt really great.  I did it on the treadmill and pushed myself to run most of it between 5.0 - 6.0 - I've come a long way from a month ago (and thus part of the reason I love MAP MY RUN - you really get to track your progress)  A month ago my average runs was around 4.0  on long run days I was around 3.8.  Now I'm averaging over 4.5 and upwards to 5.2.

Still slowish in comparison, the crappy mean voice in my head tries to tell me.

You know how I love me some Biggest Loser - right?  One of the contestants, Michael, the biggest competitor to ever be on the show by topping the scales at over 500 pounds had a melt down in the middle of this episode.

Michael has shed more than a 192 pounds and has been shattering records left and right.  He's looking good and doing great.  Surely he's an inspiration to anyone who sees him.  He's literally working his butt off.

But he must know the mean person who lives in my head because she got to him too this week.

He was angry, sad, distraught that even after 192 pound weight loss he was still needing to shop in the "Big and Tall" for his makeover.  He was frustrated that he is still over 300 pounds and more than a hundred pounds from his goal.  He was so upset that it almost caused him to stop running five inches from the finish line.  And oh my God how I could relate.

I struggle to not compare myself.  Running 4.5 isn't good enough because "so and so" can run it at 5.0.  Or even my post yesterday - so what that you ran 2.5 miles straight, you should've done 4!  Or yeah, I'm in a size 12 (the occasional 10 now) but 'she' just had a baby and she's still thinner! Or so on and so on.  It's my nature to never be good enough.  Even with my 1/2 marathon victory, the voice nags... "you shouldn't have walked so much!  Girls who were heavier than you were running right by you!  You could've done better."  Don't get me wrong,  I am proud of my accomplishment but still fight the fight of the negative.

So anyway, back to Biggest Loser and Michael.  Bob the trainer told him that, "It's all relevant.  It's not about anybody else but you.  Do not lose focus, do not look sideways."

And he's right.  Wise words, Bob.  Easier said than done but I'm going to try to remember not to look sideways too much.

XO
Jen
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6 comments:

  1. NicoleMay 13, 2010 at 12:41 AM

    You will never get positive from negative. Be kind to yourself :-) oxo

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  2. UnknownMay 13, 2010 at 8:42 AM

    It's true Nic - I'm becoming more aware of it and thus it gets easier to fight! The very fact that I can identify it now and not just buy into it is great leaps forward! It might continue to be a struggle but at least the nice voices in my head now leap to my defense! :) xoxo

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  3. NicoleMay 13, 2010 at 1:08 PM

    I too suffer from "the not good enough" condition. The self-loathing never amounted to anything, but more bad voices & a trip up & down the scale(sz4 to 14 several times!)I am glad you are becoming aware and hope one day the nice voices are the only ones you hear :-)

    PS-I heard this book is amazing, just ordered it
    www.oprah.com/health/An-Excerpt-from-Geneen-Roths-Women-Food-And-God

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  4. UnknownMay 13, 2010 at 3:29 PM

    thanks Nik -- and thank you for the book suggestion!

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  5. UnknownMay 13, 2010 at 9:27 PM

    Great entry Jen! I felt so bad for Michael.

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  6. UnknownMay 13, 2010 at 10:57 PM

    OMG me too but it was a perfect episode because I was going through the same thing. I'm kind of hating the fact that I'm taking so much away from a reality television show. Guess, D. Broom would be happy ;)

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